DEATH .... is forever

Today is August 19th, 2013 and I just returned yesterday from the best weekend at my folks' house about 200 miles away from mine. I mean, seriously the best weekend in the last few years. It was just them and I ... no other siblings ... no other family. And this post is simply about what I saw and how my heart felt. Nothing more, nothing less.

Poppy (Daddy) is 80 now, in fact just turned in March of this year. Mum is pretty close on his heals at a healthy 77. In the last few years, daddy has lost several of his siblings ... most recently the one he has always been closest to. Now he has no desire to live. 

My daddy has always been one I look up to because he never quits, never gives up, no matter what. He began learning to play the piano in his mid-70s and he still practices at least an hour a day. He has Parkinson's so his hands shake badly, and he gets frustrated, but he keeps on going. He holds one hand with the other to stabilize it so he can hit the chords with four notes, the "7" chords. And I am proud of him.

Mum is one of my best friends. I love her as much as anyone else in my life and, truth be told, more than most people. She accepts me just the way I am. In fact, she frequently chastises me for "selling myself short" and worrying about what other people think of me. She says that I have always been one to "follow my own drummer" and I have to agree. I think it's more of a "follow my own road map" but it means pretty much the same thing.

My daddy has always been a big doer and a big reader. Most recently, he was reading autobiographies and we'd talk about them. Not deep discussion really, just chat about what he thought of the book and so on. This visit was different. 

One morning while we were visiting, I asked daddy what good books he had read lately. He just mumbled "nothing. I'm not reading any more."  When I asked him "why?", he said "what's the point?" and my heart was sad. I had no answer.

Two mornings later I set off for the drive home. I enjoyed the drive, it was nice and breezy with the sunroof open, not too cool but definitely not hot. My mind wandered back to that conversation and then on to other places.

"Since God knew what Adam and Eve would do, why did He ever create people? I mean, wouldn't life be better if we never lived it? " But then I thought "No, I don't really believe that ... do I?" My mind was in a turmoil. I wasn't sure what I believed in that moment, but THAT didn't feel right. "If God had never created Adam & Eve, and they had never fallen, who's to say that I would have ever even been around?" 

"But, wouldn't you be happier if Danny had never lived than losing him the way you did?" the voice in my head went on to say. "Oh my goodness NO! I would never have experienced the depth of love OR the tidal wave of emotions that are loss if Danny had never lived!"

My conclusion, on that cool drive home was this: I can honestly say that I would rather love and lose than to never love at all. My life is so much richer because of the loved ones that have been in it ... here and gone. While I am mystified as to why God created Adam and Eve only for them to fall out of disobedience, I am glad that He created them. Without Adam and Eve, I am not certain there would have ever been a me. Without a me, I am CERTAIN there would never have been a "Dan the Man" and the world would have been a much darker, less colorful place.

Death is a terrible thing .... but the life that leads up to it is beautiful. Never forget that.

My prayer is that we will all learn to live our lives as the gift they are, not something that we are entitled to and can get a "do over" on. We only get one life ... let's make it count!!

A Revelation

Today is Sunday, July 21st, 2013 and I had a breakthrough of monumental proportions!! Honest ... I did!!

Let me tell you what happened...

Go back to two weeks ago Wednesday night, on the  3rd of July, this same year (obviously!). I was at a small group from our church, a group of women and one guy (our pastor) whom I dearly love. One of the women made mention of all of the young people with mental illness.  

BOOM!! 

Just that quickly I was transported back in time to when I was younger and living in Philadelphia. I had done a lot of temporary work back then, the easiest way for a military spouse to keep working and making good money even when traveling from post to post.

For a while, I was the Financial Intake Coordinator at an Adult Day Care facility. This young man came in, 22 years old, and his name was "Walt". (I have not given his true identity so as to protect his family and others in this story. He came in on a Wednesday for his intake, then came to classes Wedesday, Thursday and Friday. When we left the building Friday, I remember saying to him "Take care of yourself and I'll see you on Monday!" He gave a half-hearted wave and was gone.

When I went back to work on Monday, there was a stillness in the air. When I asked my boss what was going on, she said "Can you come into my office please? I need to talk to you." So I went. When I got there, the Advocates were there also, all teary-eyed. I looked around the room and said "So, what is going on that has everyone crying?" She looked at me and said "You remember Walt, the guy who came in for help last week?" I nodded quietly. I did remember him. "Well," she said, "he was admitted to a facility on Saturday and jumped out the 5th story glass window yesterday. I am sorry to tell you that he is ... well ... gone."

I remember how quiet the room got. Everyone there knew that I had befriended him, even after much admonishment to not do so. I couldn't help it. He seemed so out of his element all of the time. My heart hurt for him.

So, here I am at group, and it's as though I've been transported through time. I know, odd right?? This death had so deeply disturbed me at the time that I had buried it so deeply that not a single person in my private life knew about it.   In fact, until just 2 weeks ago, I had buried it and forgotten all about it. Yet here it is rearing it's ugly head ... again ... DEATH!!

Fast forward to today, another small group with another group of people that I am incredibly close to (including our pastor). 

One of the members of our group recounts how just a few days before she had been involved in the emergency care of a 22 year old man who had jumped off of the 5th floor of a parking garage. WOW.

Immediately the similarities strike me and I find myself asking God "Why so much the same? What do you want me to do? How can I help these young people realize that death is NOT the answer but that You, dear Jesus, are?"

I am at a loss. 

So here I am, asking anyone who reads this to PLEASE, please, PLEASE lift the names of any and all young people that you know to our Abba Father in prayer. He so wants to know them all!! If a name crosses your mind or your heart, and it may not even be a name known to you, PLEASE believe that God is using this to get us to cover His children, every single one of them, in prayer.

I believe in the power of prayer. I believe that God owns all that is on this earth, whether it is material possessions, land or money ... it is HIS. Continue praying as though our lives depend on it because, dear people, someone's life certainly MAY. 

An Unexpected Surprise

Today is July 19, 2013. No special date or day really, except my heart is acting up on me ... again. Well, I am sure I will live!!

I simply wanted to share what just happened on Facebook today and the power that social media has. It is, truth be told, much more powerful than it was in 2005, when Danny went home to Jesus.

I was flipping through my posts and I saw this ...
     well, without the caption of course!!

Today Danny's first girlfriend was moving to another apartment and she found a book with some of his drawings and this single picture of him. 

I had thumbed over it quickly with no realization of who it was until I saw a notification from this young lady posted to my Facebook wall. She was not only Danny's first girlfriend, she was one of the sweetest and most big-hearted young ladies I have ever met. Actually, she still IS on of the most loving and big- hearted ladies I have ever met. I am sure that she will always remain so. She is, at the very core of her "good all the way to the bone"!

Sometimes it hurts me to see pictures like this but, this time, it actually made me smile and made my heart a little glad that there are others who remember my Danny with fondness as well. Often the tears are happy ones now, reminders of what a special, gifted young man my Danny was.

Young lady who knew Danny so well (you know who you are!), thank you. Thank you for sharing this picture with me and knowing that my heart would be happy to see it.

Danny, you ARE still a light in many people's lives. You taught us all a little about how to live in your death. I love often now .... Worry less ... Am MUCH more spontaneous than I used to be ... Happy to spend time with my family while I have them ... and they me. When there is so much death in this world, and most of it needless, I am remembering what it means to live, love and laugh.

Son, I will always miss you. I have been reminded, gently, exactly what you looked like. Time really didn't change you ... much. Love you babe ...

Diary Entry June 2, 2013: 2:45am

This entry will be a bit different than the previous ones ... I believe it reads more like a diary, of sorts.

     I awoke crying just a bit ago, well, an hour ago to be exact. I had a dream where Danny came to my college graduation but had to leave right afterwards, so we didn't get a chance to talk. I almost didn't recognize him at first ... I had almost forgotten what he looks like. He hasn't changed at all but of course, we all knew that already. He can't. He's dead and gone. I cry again.
     My mind wanders back to the day that call came in and I see immediately all of the people who supported and comforted me ... then. Where are you all now? Don't you see that this is when I need you? After everyone else has gone home, the casket is buried in the ground and Danny is over 8 years gone. NOW is when I need you the most. But no one is there. Life goes on.
     All of my sisters and my parents came down to Mexico for the one year anniversary of Danny's death. They also came down for the second one. But no one was there for the third or any others since. I often wonder if anyone else remembers?? I mean, I know everyone knows that he's gone but do they remember that I, my husband and Danny's sisters are left to remember him every single day?? ALONE??
     I have been told that I can be taken in small doses. I'm ok with that. At the memorial service, things were said that were meant to comfort. Those words cease holding any meaning when there are not actions used to put the words into motion. "I promise to be there for you" cannot be translated to mean when it's convenient for me but should, instead, mean I will do my best to be there when YOU need ME. Isn't that what love and family is supposed to be about?? Holding one another up when we feel as though we will faint into the very ground our loved one is buried in??
    Not too long after Danny's death, I remember very vividly a conversation between my dad and I. Dad said "Isn't it sad that we wait until some tragedy strikes to reach out to the very people who mean the most to us?" I didn't have a response then. I certainly don't have any better one now. Yes, it is sad. In fact, for me, it is heartbreaking to see that we are too afraid of our emotions to open ourselves up and be a little more vulnerable with our family than we are with anyone else. After all, aren't family the very people God put in our lives so we could build one another up in love and comfort?? So we could even clarify some of His purpose for our very lives ... to help one another understand what His purpose is in our lives??
     For such a gentle, loving and giving soul to be taken so early in life just leaves me speechless and, perhaps, breathless. I find it harder these days to catch my breath when I think of Danny. It is harder not to cry because I know that most think it gets easier. It does not.   
    I am sad. I am struck by the irrevocable call of death. The very fact that once it is done, it cannot be undone. Danny is gone. Forever. Period.
     Last night Dave and I were on the "Portland Spirit" (a dinner yacht) for a Veteran's Ball. Dave gave a short speech to honor the MIA/POW table and when he was done, there wasn't a dry eye in the room. I was reminded of not only how short life can be, but for others, how long life can seem once a loved one is gone. I am certain that the last 8 years of my life have gone by much faster than the previous 41. I am also just as certain that my heart will get no less empty as the days go by. Don't get me wrong ... I don't feel sorry for myself. I am sorry for all of the people who never knew my Danny. 
     Through the last 8 years, I have changed. Some would say drastically. Others would say marginally. But I have changed and no one could deny that. I believe in my God more today than I did 8 years ago. I have seen Him perform miracle after miracle, and I love Him for who He is. Do I still question why Danny is gone? Yep. Do I honestly expect an answer? Nope. 
     When Dave and I (and the family) went to Danny's apartment after his memorial, to gather some of his things, it was awkward and odd. In the kitchen area there was a refrigerator placed in front of a fairly large window. For some reason, Dave felt the need to scoot it away from the window. When he did, the wind was knocked out of both of our sails. There, on the window in the fog from the condenser on the refrigerator, in Danny's handwriting, was this message ... "Don't worry mom, I'll be ok". You could have heard a pin drop as Dave and I looked at one another and I was able to smile for the first time in days.
     I think back to that day and am surprised that I didn't faint. The rest of the day is such a blur, I guess I could have and wouldn't necessarily remember doing so. So this is the hope I cling to ... that Danny is, in fact, OK. In fact, that he's better than ok and playing baseball with his great grampa up in heaven. 
     People have asked me a myriad of questions about what I think heaven will be like. I have no clue really. I do believe that I will know my Danny when I see him. I choose to believe that we will be able to give one another the biggest bear hug ever. Is that Biblical? I doubt it. But I honestly don't think God minds if that one single thought makes me a more willing and even eager participant in what His plan is for my life.
     I love God and am thankful for those He has put in my life. Whether we are in one another's life for a reason, a season or a lifetime, it is because of His perfect timing and knowledge of what we will need and when we will need it. Keep counting on Him to pull you through whatever life hands you. That's what I do.
   

Today Is The Day

Yesterday, April 26th, Dave and I got to go hear a very gifted pianist and a few gifted vocalists at the pianist's Junior Recital for Portland Bible College. I was blown away. How much differently can someone sound when they are playing music that is so  ... well ... elemental to them?? I mean, to play without thought because the notes and melody come from the soul. How much more beautiful can life get??

As I listen to these musicians, I am blown away by the very giftedness that God blessed them all with. Some have vocal ability far and above the norm, even with voice lessons. The pianist rocks the piano world with his ability to play a wide range of music, from jazz to the most classical piece you can think of. Yet he chooses to use this gift to worship our God and Saviour, Jesus Christ.

How much different would the world be, do you think, if we all did what we are GIFTED at?? If all we concentrated on was what God wanted us to do and had in store for us?? I mean, seriously, can you just picture it?? I can.

I think I would be helping people through the grief process. Perhaps I would be counseling young adults on what choices they do NOT want to make, based on scriptural references. From my life experiences, I believe I could help people see how every choice we make is just that ... a choice of free will.

For instance, when Danny died, I had two options of how to proceed with my life. I could either get angry with God and pull away OR I could place my life and Danny's death solidly in His hands. I chose the latter.

Don't get me wrong ... this doesn't make me a better person or anything, it just means that I knew what choice I had to make. I love my God but this was a serious test of my faith in Him and His plan for my life. So, back to college I went. My heart kept saying that I needed to finish what I had started over 30 years ago (really, what HE had started in me), so that I could minister to and help others to a place of worship with my music and my love for God. The realization that HE is my everything hit me then. I realized that without HIM, I would be less than nothing and I wanted to share that knowledge with others. 

How do we know if we are doing what God has called us to do?? Do we really "audibly" hear His voice? If we do, is there any other option than to obey? How often do we turn away out of fear? Disobedience? I did ... a lot!!

My next task was to conquer the feeling of inadequacy that I felt for going back to college so late in life. I was 48 and would have my AA at the age of 50. That just didn't sound so good to me!    I felt as if I would be the oldest student there and definitely out of place. BUT I felt 100% convinced this is where God wanted me to be. So I went.

This has probably been the most difficult yet rewarding two years of my entire adult life. In the last few months, some of the young adults have begun seeking out my advice. Generally I start out with them by saying something like "You know, my best advice is going to be to tell you what NOT to do ... are you ok with that?" When they say "sure", we continue our conversations.

It has been amazing to me how cathartic this whole process has been to me. For the first time in a very long time I believe I am exactly where God wants me to be, doing exactly what He needs me to do. For now.

After several people have told me they think I should look into working with young adults, I had that word confirmed by two professors and a mentor at PBC. If I had been wondering whether or not this is the direction I am supposed to go, I am not wondering anymore!  

A very dear, if relatively new, friend met with me for coffee this yesterday. When we got to the library (where she works), she began to share with me what was going on in her life. After a few minutes of this, I gently took her hand in mine, looked her in the eye and said "You can stop now. You need to take a breath and be still." She looked at me and said "Ok" and she did. After a couple of minutes of just sitting like this and seeking God's Presence, He gave me a word for her. When I looked at her, she said to me "Are you going to Jean me now?" and we both giggled. Indeed, I "Jean"ed her. 

I am learning every day that God gives us words for people who need them. I am learning to not ask why, or what for, but simply to give His message to whomever He tells me to.

I have recently come to the conclusion that I am an idealist. I believe that we are called to love one another ... not only fellow believers but non-believers as well. After all, if we the church ... the hands, feet, ears and heart of God do NOT seek to love those of the world ... WHO WILL??

I am rambling so I will end this post with one last thought.

Jesus loves me, this I know ... 
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
The Bible tells me so!!

 
  
  

College Life (Kinda)

Well, today I had a terrific time in my Psalms class, which has a wonderfully gifted young man for a teacher. It was my turn to share a "devotional presentation" ... a bit about how I press in closer to Jesus when I do my devotions throughout the day.

The following was my presentation, in it's entirety:

Frequently, when I begin my devotional time, I simply sit quietly and wait for the Spirit to tell me what He needs me to hear. Quite honestly, I usually last about 10 minutes and then I delve into whatever book of the Word I have been reading. Almost always, He gives me a song or, at the very least, lyrics to a song. Today will be a little different because I have chosen to take a risk and share a part of me that I don’t share easily with others. I would like to begin with a simple prayer before I read what I believe I have been asked to share with you.

“Dearest heavenly Father, please help me to share a part of myself with this class today, even as I share how this brings me deeper in my time with You. Thank You for Your love for us all, Jesus, to have become the bridge between Your Dad and us. Holy Spirit, please open each and every heart today to hear what You are trying to tell us. In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit … Amen”

First, I will warn you all that I am going to read you something that will probably make you a bit emotional and, if not, tug at your heart strings a little. It’s ok. It’s supposed to.

This is the latest entry in my blog about “Moving Forward After The Loss Of A Child”.

Just Another Day ...

Today marks eight years to the day since we buried Danny. Yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks, how very much I miss my son. I miss him when I least expect it.

When I see someone who looks like him, I want to ask his name and find out all about that young man that I can. Then I want to be available to help him out, if he doesn't have parents who care. It is incredibly hard to simply look at a face that is, ultimately, so familiar yet just as distinctly different.

Then I will be sitting in my college class, surrounded by a classroom full of 18-21 year olds ... young women and young men who remind me of Danny because of their age. There is one young man who uses the word "bullocks" and that always makes me giggle. I finally had to admit to him that it is because Danny used to say that ALL THE TIME when he was frustrated with something. I hear the word, I see his smile and I smile in return. It doesn't matter who says it, or why, it simply is something that was Danny.

I miss how he would reprimand C for being disrespectful to me. Whenever she'd argue with me, or just be a little ornery, he'd pull her aside and say "Don't talk to MY mom like that. She was my mom way before she was your mom and no one EVER talks to her like that. Not even you!" C would apologize and all was right with the world. For a moment or two. We were good.

It always comes back to me how much I miss my boy. No matter what I do, no matter how much time passes, even though I believe God has a purpose for my life, I miss my boy. It hits me now that I will never see him get married ... or have children ... or become the person God meant for him to be. I know it had to be hard when C graduated high school last year and Danny wasn't there. And when A got married in December of 2011, I know she missed him then too. I know that I did. And still do.

Sometimes I need to remind myself that he is the reason my life has turned out so differently. There is only one thing I can say for absolute certain and with 100% surety ... I would be a much poorer woman today if I had never had Danny in my life to love for those 18 years. He taught me more in the 18 years that he was here than I will, most likely, learn throughout the rest of my lifetime.

If I had roses, and believed he was still in the grave, I would put them on top of the ground. If I had a dollar for every time he made me smile, I would be a millionaire. I was blessed, not merely but truly blessed to have Danny Pasko in my life at all.

On this, the 8th anniversary of your death my dear son, I imagine you watching me from heaven. I hope you are proud of the mom I've been to the girls and the higher education I've pursued. I know that I, forever, am proud of you. Love you babe. 

This is what I was told to share with you all. Death is real. It is something that is every bit as much a part of life as life itself is. I am not saying this to scare you, or to hurt you, or to make you “feel” something particular. I am saying it simply because it is so.

Psalms 42:5b says “Pour your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.”  While verse 11b in the same chapter reads “Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.” For me, this simply means what it says … that no matter what the circumstances and no matter what the situation, God is worthy of my praise, love and adoration.

“God, how many times have I cried out to You, yet you did not respond to my pleas. I wait for You here on bended knee, yet You move not towards me. My heart is heavy and even empty, where it used to be full. Why, dear Father, have You left me alone??”

Poem (or song):

“I lifted my voice in anguish, I lifted my voice in pain, I waited for You to hear me, but You never came.  So, now I will wait and listen, trusting for You to speak, knowing … as You always do … just what I need. I have no words. It’s ok.”

“Your Presence … it overwhelms me. Your love, Your grace so true. Your tenderness and mercy …. Lord … it’s You. I just let Your Presence fill me. Alive like no time before. I waited and trusted for little … You gave me more.”

“I remember now what You promised … all of those years before. That no matter what road I chose to take, You’d be waiting at my heart’s door.  Please come and spend time with me Jesus. You’ll wait for me no more. I have decided that You’re what I need … You ARE my heart’s door.”

“Help me to understand You. Help me to know You more. May every word that I utter lead someone to want You more.”

“My head understands … now my heart can feel … the love You have Father … is so very real. Thank You for waiting … for me all this time … Ev’ry day I will seek You … Help me to find …….. Your Presence … it overwhelms me. Your love, Your grace so true. Your tenderness and mercy ….. Lord … it’s You. Please just let Your Presence fill me … Alive like no time before. I waited and trusted for little … You gave me more.”

“More of You, Jesus I want more. More of You, Jesus I want more.”

“As we sit here quietly, Father, contemplating the words of this song, please help us to remain open to Your voice. Help us to not balk when You ask us to do something we’re unsure of but to have the courage of lions. Help us to live our lives, moment by moment, remembering that You are always BEside us and INside us. With that in mind, Jesus, please help us to live our lives “from the inside out” to shine Your light so that others are aware of Your glory. In Your precious, holy name … Amen”

After the presentation, the teacher said he had a Word of God for me, and he shared a prophetic message with me. It was a word of encouragement and edification and now I am more sure than ever that I am doing what God needs me to do.

As I was sharing this presentation, I saw young people tearing up and even crying ... some of the students I have been in classes with for almost 2 years while the others are ones I only know by name. I was reminded, in this moment, that God puts everyone in our life for a specific period of time to fulfill a specific purpose and/or need. I can only pray that what I shared touched as many lives as it appears to have. That these young people will not forget, as they move ahead in their own life journeys, that every single person they meet has a story ... and they all bear listening to.

And to repeat the prayer above ... "Help me to not balk when You ask me to do something I'm unsure of, but to have the courage of lions. Help me to live my life, moment by moment, remembering that You are always BEside me and INside me. With that in mind, Jesus, please help me to live my life from the inside out, to shine Your light sot that others are aware of Your glory. In Your precious, holy name, Amen"

 

Just Another Day ...

Today marks eight years to the day since we buried Danny. Yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks, how very much I miss my son. I miss him when I least expect it. 

When I see someone who looks like him, I want to ask his name and find out all about that young man that I can. Then I want to be available to help him out, if he doesn't have parents who care. It is incredibly hard to simply look at a face that is, ultimately, so familiar yet just as distinctly different. 

Then I will be sitting in my college class, surrounded by a classroom full of 18-21 year olds ... young women and young men who remind me of Danny because of their age. There is one young man who uses the word "bullocks" and that always makes me giggle. I finally had to admit to him that it is because Danny used to say that ALL THE TIME when he was frustrated with something. I hear the word, I see his smile and I smile in return. It doesn't matter who says it, or why, it simply is something that was Danny.

I miss how he would reprimand C for being disrespectful to me. Whenever she'd argue with me, or just be a little ornery, he'd pull her aside and say "Don't talk to MY mom like that. She was my mom way before she was your mom and no one EVER talks to her like that. Not even you!" C would apologize and all was right with the world. For a moment or two. We were good.

It always comes back to me how much I miss my boy. No matter what I do, no matter how much time passes, even when I believe God has a purpose for my life, I miss my boy. It hits me now that I will never see him get married ... or have children ... or become the person God meant for him to be. I know it had to be hard when C graduated high school last year and Danny wasn't there. And when A got married in December of 2011, I know she missed him then too. I know that I did. And still do.

Sometimes I need to remind myself that he is the reason my life has turned out so differently. There is only one thing I can say for absolute certain and with 100% surety ... I would be a much poorer woman today if I had never had Danny in my life to love for those 18 years. He taught me more in the 18 years that he was here than I will, most likely, learn throughout the rest of my lifetime.

If I had roses, and believed he was still in the grave, I would put them on top of the ground. If I had a dollar for every time he made me smile, I would be a millionaire. I was blessed, not merely but truly blessed to have Danny Pasko in my life at all.

On this, the 8th anniversary of your death my dear son, I imagine you watching me from heaven. I hope you are proud of the mom I've been to the girls and the higher education I've pursued. I know that I, forever, am proud of you. Love you babe.