So in March of 2011, my pastor had just asked me to think about starting a kid's choir. I looked at him and said this "I really can't commit to anything else right now. With the full time job and all, I am super busy with the stuff I'm already doing at the church. I DO feel that God wants me more involved, so please pray for me that I'll know what He wants me to do. I need all the prayers I can get!"
The very next day, no kidding. At 8:07am my boss calls me into his office and says "Well, Jean, we are moving things around a bit and we don't need you anymore." What did I do?? Well, I looked him straight in the eye and began laughing my hardest. In fact, I laughed so hard he looked at me and said "What are you laughing at? Didn't you hear what I just said?" To which I simply responded "Well, I have had God answer prayers just never this quickly OR this obviously!" I then walked out to my desk and began quietly packing up my things. I called Dave and he came to pick me up.
That very morning, as Dave was driving me back to the house, he looked at me and said "How do you feel about college? You had mentioned a while back and I'm curious if you've given it more thought?" I looked at him, head tilted, and shook my head. Oh, the quiet faith of a gentle, wonderful man. "Well, I WOULD love to go to a worship/ministry college, but how in the world would we make that work? I mean ... financially?"
He looked at me and said "You are the one who is always telling me to trust in God. Don't you think it's time you listened to yourself and did just that? Trusted God to make this happen if it is meant to?"
I had begun to cry, softly. I had known from the time I was small that God had given me a great leadership and worship gift that I had always been afraid to use. I knew that once God started moving in my life, I could do nothing to stop it. That one way or another, my will would become His. Even though that is as it should be, it terrified me. So I ran. The other way. From the time I was 20 until I was 41, as quickly as I could. I tried my best to tune Him out so I didn't have to change.
All of that changed on this day, March 21st, 2011.
Dave took me to a college that he had read about online, and I fell in love with the people and the Spirit of God that was ever present there. The decision had been made by my Heavenly Father and I was going to fulfill my calling. God provided the funds for the college through unemployment and I was so excited. Every time I turned around and some financial need came up for my family, God took care of it. Just like He said He would. He is a God of His word and I am grateful for that.
Towards the end of my first term, the last week of November, I noticed that my right eye wasn't functioning correctly and the ceiling of vision in my right eye was only about half-height. What that means is that everything above the mid-point of my vision was black. Dark. Nothing to be seen. It freaked me out and scared me half to death.
My eye doctor recommended that I see a retinal specialist when she suspected that my retina had detached. The specialist met with Dave and I and said "The ONLY repair is to do a retinal reattachment surgery, but that is very, very expensive. How do you want to move forward with this?" I look at Dave and begin to cry. I am tired. At this point of my life, it feels like satan is doing everything possible to stop me from fulfilling my destiny. I am angry because I do not want him to win. I want God to rule my life. But how?? What in the world can GOD do for me now??
I am tired ... again. Dave and I go home and he again makes phone calls on my behalf. By the time he is done, he has secured financing for the entire surgical procedure, including anesthesia and anesthesiaologist, operating room, and the eye surgeon. This entire surgery, which is a $27000 surgery, cost us ... NOTHING!! God is so good that He took care of the ENTIRE bill!!
The surgeon waited until after A was married on December 17th and the surgery was done on the 19th of December. I waded through mid-terms with less than 1/2 vision and still God blessed me with a 3.6 for my final semester grade. God is good!!
I guess the reason I am sharing all of this is as a gentle reminder that when God speaks to us, we really NEED to listen. We may not want to and, in some instances, could probably find a perfectly good excuse for walking the other way. Our God is a patient God, and He will not try and bend us to His will. He will, however, keep You close to Him. He will gently remind you and, at times, not so gently nudge you in the direction that you need to go. I implore you ... listen!!! There is a passage that speaks about God clothing the flowers in a field with beauty, even though they will never been seen by human eyes. How much more important are we to Him than the flowers in the fields!!
He loves us and blesses us when we follow Him.Don't get me wrong ... this doesn't mean that there will not be hardships. My life and losing Danny is proof of that. What it does mean is that God will take care of us. He WANTS to take care of us ... we have simply to ask.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
2010: "Eye See"
Wow, how time marches on. Whether we think we can deal with our grief and day to day life or not, time stands still for no man. Nor should it. At least, not yet.
In 2010, we had been in Oregon a smidge over 2 years. Is smidge a word? I don't know but I'm sure you all smiled when you read it. And chances are incredibly good that you knew EXACTLY what I was talking about. Not sort of, or thought maybe you knew, but you honest-to-gosh KNEW what time frame a smidge consisted of. If you didn't, shame on you! Try to find that imagination that you apparently lost at a much earlier age than I!! *Just sayin...*
Early in 2010 I went to get a new glass prescription, and found that my eyes had continued to get worse each year. I expected it but it still annoyed me. I got the lens prescription filled and went home, complaining to Dave "I have had to wear glasses my entire life and I HATE them!" About 3 months later, sometime around mid-June if memory serves, I noticed that the new glasses seemed very blurry. Whether I was watching television or reading a book, things were just out of whack and I could find no reason for it. I went back to the eye glass place and they checked the prescription for the lenses and the prescription was correct. They looked at me and said something along the line of "We don't know what the problem is, but the lens prescription IS correct, so it isn't our problem." Well, I was miffed. I called a local (Portland metro) eye clinic and asked to see an optometrist. They got me in within a few days of the initial phone call and mere hours later, I was told that I had a full-blown cataract in my left eye. Out of nowhere. There is no family history of cataracts. I had not had head trauma or been in a serious car accident where I hit my head within the past 6 months. Out of the blue, I am asking God "What in the world did I do to deserve this? Can I PLEASE get a break? Just one!!" And I was angry. Again.
I was working at a job then, but my benefits didn't kick in until three months after this diagnosis.I had been told that they needed over $2000 up front just to consider the operation and then to schedule it. I remembered that our friend at the credit union in Alaska was always happy to help us when she could. I didn't know what else to do, so I called her. Here's a part of the conversation, as I remember it:
Me: "I have to have cataract surgery on my eye and I have no medical coverage." Crying, I continue. "I don't know what to do! Dave still doesn't have a job and this is going to cost about $3800. Can you help me? Is there somewhere else I can go??"
She quietly responds "I am sure there is something I can put through for you. You have been such a good friend and this is why we are here ... to help our people when there are problems and there IS no where else to go."
So I called the doc and we scheduled the surgery for mid-September. When I went in for the pre-op checks and all, she checked my left eye and found that, out of the blue, IT now had a full-blown cataract as well. WOW!! All I could think was "How in the world am I going to take care of this now? How can Dave and I make this work, with the cost of each surgery coming in at $4000?" I didn't know. I wanted so badly to trust God, but this was stretching my faith in ways that it had never, ever been stretched before.
Dave made some phone calls and a Lions Club that we had started in Alaska came through for us and footed the bill for the entire second surgery a mere 2 months later. I am 100% sure that God used those folks to take care of me. He covered the cost of the surgery AND implanting new lenses in my eyes so I would never need glasses again. How incredible is THAT?? God IS good!!
After both of the surgeries were done, I noticed that my eyes were dry a lot and really hurt when I cry. The doc says that it's because of the salt in our tears but I think it's also Gods' way of reminding me that while crying can be good, it can also be used to stop me from allowing healing to take place. I want to heal. I honestly pray that God uses me to help others through this grieving process.
I am tired a lot easier these days. Dave says he thinks it's depression but I think it's just plain old exhaustion from life catching up with me. Some days are still harder than others. I often feel older than I am, but just as frequently am struck by how merciful God has been allowing me to build friendships with people of all ages. I am happy that my health is good enough that I am able to enjoy full-time college. God is giving me the wisdom, strength and courage to fulfill my destiny. May you follow the path He has set your feet upon and allow Him to lead you in the fullness of following Him. Always remember .. YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE KING!!
He loves you. He loves me. He is, and always will be, the very best thing that happened in my life. He is the reason I love life. He is the reason I do my best to "live" life while loving and following Him.
In 2010, we had been in Oregon a smidge over 2 years. Is smidge a word? I don't know but I'm sure you all smiled when you read it. And chances are incredibly good that you knew EXACTLY what I was talking about. Not sort of, or thought maybe you knew, but you honest-to-gosh KNEW what time frame a smidge consisted of. If you didn't, shame on you! Try to find that imagination that you apparently lost at a much earlier age than I!! *Just sayin...*
Early in 2010 I went to get a new glass prescription, and found that my eyes had continued to get worse each year. I expected it but it still annoyed me. I got the lens prescription filled and went home, complaining to Dave "I have had to wear glasses my entire life and I HATE them!" About 3 months later, sometime around mid-June if memory serves, I noticed that the new glasses seemed very blurry. Whether I was watching television or reading a book, things were just out of whack and I could find no reason for it. I went back to the eye glass place and they checked the prescription for the lenses and the prescription was correct. They looked at me and said something along the line of "We don't know what the problem is, but the lens prescription IS correct, so it isn't our problem." Well, I was miffed. I called a local (Portland metro) eye clinic and asked to see an optometrist. They got me in within a few days of the initial phone call and mere hours later, I was told that I had a full-blown cataract in my left eye. Out of nowhere. There is no family history of cataracts. I had not had head trauma or been in a serious car accident where I hit my head within the past 6 months. Out of the blue, I am asking God "What in the world did I do to deserve this? Can I PLEASE get a break? Just one!!" And I was angry. Again.
I was working at a job then, but my benefits didn't kick in until three months after this diagnosis.I had been told that they needed over $2000 up front just to consider the operation and then to schedule it. I remembered that our friend at the credit union in Alaska was always happy to help us when she could. I didn't know what else to do, so I called her. Here's a part of the conversation, as I remember it:
Me: "I have to have cataract surgery on my eye and I have no medical coverage." Crying, I continue. "I don't know what to do! Dave still doesn't have a job and this is going to cost about $3800. Can you help me? Is there somewhere else I can go??"
She quietly responds "I am sure there is something I can put through for you. You have been such a good friend and this is why we are here ... to help our people when there are problems and there IS no where else to go."
So I called the doc and we scheduled the surgery for mid-September. When I went in for the pre-op checks and all, she checked my left eye and found that, out of the blue, IT now had a full-blown cataract as well. WOW!! All I could think was "How in the world am I going to take care of this now? How can Dave and I make this work, with the cost of each surgery coming in at $4000?" I didn't know. I wanted so badly to trust God, but this was stretching my faith in ways that it had never, ever been stretched before.
Dave made some phone calls and a Lions Club that we had started in Alaska came through for us and footed the bill for the entire second surgery a mere 2 months later. I am 100% sure that God used those folks to take care of me. He covered the cost of the surgery AND implanting new lenses in my eyes so I would never need glasses again. How incredible is THAT?? God IS good!!
After both of the surgeries were done, I noticed that my eyes were dry a lot and really hurt when I cry. The doc says that it's because of the salt in our tears but I think it's also Gods' way of reminding me that while crying can be good, it can also be used to stop me from allowing healing to take place. I want to heal. I honestly pray that God uses me to help others through this grieving process.
I am tired a lot easier these days. Dave says he thinks it's depression but I think it's just plain old exhaustion from life catching up with me. Some days are still harder than others. I often feel older than I am, but just as frequently am struck by how merciful God has been allowing me to build friendships with people of all ages. I am happy that my health is good enough that I am able to enjoy full-time college. God is giving me the wisdom, strength and courage to fulfill my destiny. May you follow the path He has set your feet upon and allow Him to lead you in the fullness of following Him. Always remember .. YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE KING!!
He loves you. He loves me. He is, and always will be, the very best thing that happened in my life. He is the reason I love life. He is the reason I do my best to "live" life while loving and following Him.
2008: A Lifetime Later
Sometime early this year, C says to us "Hey, do you think we could possibly move stateside for me to go to high school? You know the schools here won't get me ready for college, not really anyway, and I really want to go to college. Whatcha think?" Dave and I look at one another and I say "Well, I honestly don't see why not. I mean, we proved we can make the bed & breakfast idea work so we can always come back and start another one." Looking at Dave, I realize just how much we would be giving up to make this move. We both love it here so much. But, ultimately, we want to do what is best for C. Her school finishes up in April, so we begin planning mid-March on how to make this work.
Sometime right around then, we get an invitation to my nephew's wedding in May and, shortly after that, get an invitation to another nephew's wedding a couple of months later. So we load up the truck and make the trek up to beautiful Portland, Oregon. C, Dave and I. We leave our faithful four-legged friends Annie and Sparky down in Mexico and a friend and his son offer to take care of them for us. We are off. Another great adventure for us.
I am, however, at this very moment, torn. Dave and I have fallen in love with our new home La Paz, and know that we will miss it a lot. We make it up to Oregon in about 10 days and my sister and brother-in-law let us stay with them. Dave and I are there a little less than a week and we are back off down to Mexico, to pick up the rest of our stuff. This simply did NOT go the way we planned but, then again, we are not really big on planning so it kind of showed this time around.
C stays with her auntie and uncle and has some great quality time with her cousins. She had never really spent time with them and, if memory serves, had only met them a couple of times in her 14 years of life. Sometimes I am sorry that we weren't around family more, but for the most part, there really isn't much in my life that I would change. Even about where we lived.
About a week after we get here, we find out that our home in La Paz was burglarized and C's little dog was killed. We don't know if he was killed during the break in, but he is now gone. C is only 14 and already she has lost a brother at 10 and a dog she had for almost as long. I am sorry that this happens to her but I know that nothing I say will change the facts.
I missed a perfectly good chance to talk to C about death and it's role in our family. It's role in the circle of life is there every moment of every day, and yet we can't talk about it. It appears that whenever one of us may want to talk about it, we change the subject. C is afraid that it will make me cry and get emotional, while I am afraid that WE will forget Danny.
It has already started. When I don't have a picture of him in front of me, I forget the big dimples he had every time he smiled. I love the fact that he was always a free spirit and, although he did things HIS way, he was always true to himself. He loved me as unconditionally as I loved him. The difference for me, now, is that I STILL love him and he can no longer show his love for me. It makes me sad and I am sorry.
Danny, I am sorry that I didn't say the things I should have while you were still here. I am sincerely broken-hearted for the way we said our good-byes before Dave and I took C to Mexico with us. I am so very sorry that I wasn't a more God-fearing person when it would have made a difference for you.
You would like me more now. I don't cuss hardly at all, I listen better (most of the time), and I don't yell as frequently or as loudly as I did with you. God is working on me, making me a better person, but I am sorely afraid that it was a part of me you never got to see. For that, may God give me the serenity and peace-of-heart to know that you loved me anyway.
O how I miss you. My light. My love. My heart. I am trying to be better for C and A, because they are still here. I am trying to be the best "me" that I can be, but sometimes I get lost in the fact that I was NOT the best "me" while you were here ... and it makes me sad.
Going on three years later and my heart still aches when someone says your name. It will be nice to be back in Oregon, where we are closer to your graveside, but it will be horrible at the same time. I don't think I can go to the graveside again. I know you are not there but watching us from heaven. It doesn't make me miss you any less, but it sometimes brings a smile through the tears to think of you smiling at us. Every time I picture you in heaven, I wonder some pretty silly things ... I wonder: Do you get to dye your hair up there? Do you still have those silly red dickie pants that you loved to wear to get attention? Do you play catch with Sparky, great grampa and grampa? Who wins when you do?
Oh honey, I love you. My heart will never be the same and I am realizing that more every day. C is growing up quickly before my eyes and I see so much of you in her. She does that funny "whatevah ma" thing that you used to do when I was annoying you. Sometimes she tilts her head a certain way, or gives me a heartfelt hug ... and that is when I see and feel you here. In my heart.
I am so glad that a love like ours will never be truly gone. As long as one of us is alive to remember the other, the love is there. You will always be "my boy". You will always be the tall, thin young man who holds a very real part of my heart. Forever
I love you son.
I am glad that God loves me enough to help me through this process. I know He will help you to if you but ask. His. Love. Never. Changes. And. He. Loves. Us. All. The. Same.
Sometime right around then, we get an invitation to my nephew's wedding in May and, shortly after that, get an invitation to another nephew's wedding a couple of months later. So we load up the truck and make the trek up to beautiful Portland, Oregon. C, Dave and I. We leave our faithful four-legged friends Annie and Sparky down in Mexico and a friend and his son offer to take care of them for us. We are off. Another great adventure for us.
I am, however, at this very moment, torn. Dave and I have fallen in love with our new home La Paz, and know that we will miss it a lot. We make it up to Oregon in about 10 days and my sister and brother-in-law let us stay with them. Dave and I are there a little less than a week and we are back off down to Mexico, to pick up the rest of our stuff. This simply did NOT go the way we planned but, then again, we are not really big on planning so it kind of showed this time around.
C stays with her auntie and uncle and has some great quality time with her cousins. She had never really spent time with them and, if memory serves, had only met them a couple of times in her 14 years of life. Sometimes I am sorry that we weren't around family more, but for the most part, there really isn't much in my life that I would change. Even about where we lived.
About a week after we get here, we find out that our home in La Paz was burglarized and C's little dog was killed. We don't know if he was killed during the break in, but he is now gone. C is only 14 and already she has lost a brother at 10 and a dog she had for almost as long. I am sorry that this happens to her but I know that nothing I say will change the facts.
I missed a perfectly good chance to talk to C about death and it's role in our family. It's role in the circle of life is there every moment of every day, and yet we can't talk about it. It appears that whenever one of us may want to talk about it, we change the subject. C is afraid that it will make me cry and get emotional, while I am afraid that WE will forget Danny.
It has already started. When I don't have a picture of him in front of me, I forget the big dimples he had every time he smiled. I love the fact that he was always a free spirit and, although he did things HIS way, he was always true to himself. He loved me as unconditionally as I loved him. The difference for me, now, is that I STILL love him and he can no longer show his love for me. It makes me sad and I am sorry.
Danny, I am sorry that I didn't say the things I should have while you were still here. I am sincerely broken-hearted for the way we said our good-byes before Dave and I took C to Mexico with us. I am so very sorry that I wasn't a more God-fearing person when it would have made a difference for you.
You would like me more now. I don't cuss hardly at all, I listen better (most of the time), and I don't yell as frequently or as loudly as I did with you. God is working on me, making me a better person, but I am sorely afraid that it was a part of me you never got to see. For that, may God give me the serenity and peace-of-heart to know that you loved me anyway.
O how I miss you. My light. My love. My heart. I am trying to be better for C and A, because they are still here. I am trying to be the best "me" that I can be, but sometimes I get lost in the fact that I was NOT the best "me" while you were here ... and it makes me sad.
Going on three years later and my heart still aches when someone says your name. It will be nice to be back in Oregon, where we are closer to your graveside, but it will be horrible at the same time. I don't think I can go to the graveside again. I know you are not there but watching us from heaven. It doesn't make me miss you any less, but it sometimes brings a smile through the tears to think of you smiling at us. Every time I picture you in heaven, I wonder some pretty silly things ... I wonder: Do you get to dye your hair up there? Do you still have those silly red dickie pants that you loved to wear to get attention? Do you play catch with Sparky, great grampa and grampa? Who wins when you do?
Oh honey, I love you. My heart will never be the same and I am realizing that more every day. C is growing up quickly before my eyes and I see so much of you in her. She does that funny "whatevah ma" thing that you used to do when I was annoying you. Sometimes she tilts her head a certain way, or gives me a heartfelt hug ... and that is when I see and feel you here. In my heart.
I am so glad that a love like ours will never be truly gone. As long as one of us is alive to remember the other, the love is there. You will always be "my boy". You will always be the tall, thin young man who holds a very real part of my heart. Forever
I love you son.
I am glad that God loves me enough to help me through this process. I know He will help you to if you but ask. His. Love. Never. Changes. And. He. Loves. Us. All. The. Same.
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