Today my son Danny was born. Well, not exactly today, but 26 years ago today. But he's not here to celebrate it with me, nor will he ever be again. I am sad. I realize a lot of things now that I wish I had known then, 26 years ago.
When Danny was born, he was just under 24" long. Yep!! Almost 2' at birth and not to slow down anytime soon, either. At death, he was a bit over 6'4" and I've often wondered if he would have continued to grow like the weed he always had been. Or would he have slowed down?
I see C getting older and wonder if she would be less protective of her heart (with me, anyway) if Danny had lived. He always was a sort of "go-between" for us, because he loved us both so much and could truly see both perspectives without taking sides.
I know that A missed him being at her wedding. Even though they were step-siblings, you would have never known it with the bond they shared from day one. I know she misses him terribly and often, but I don't know what to say to that or how to help. This makes me sad as well.
When he was little he was a daredevil. Middle-school stunts were things like not keeping himself from trying out "Jackass"-type of stunts. Yep, you know the ones. Hmmmm ... "How much pepto-bismal can I drink before it makes me sick?" or perhaps more along the lines of "Why should I respect adults just because they ARE adults? They don't know me, or get to know me so I don't get THEIR respect automatically, why should they get MINE?"
Buck authority? Danny? YEP!
One day at middle school "Mom, why do I have to listen to a teacher that is stupid and doesn't know the answer to the question she asked?" Me ... "Well son, it just comes with respect. You should ALWAYS respect those in authority over you." Danny: "Well, fine, but who decides who THAT is?" Me ... "Good question. Let me think on that and get back with you when I have an answer." LOL
Danny always knew what was going on in my heart. He never thought I should be perfect or anyone but who I was. I was simply me .... mom ... and he was my sunshine.
Wow. Hard to believe. Seven years. Twenty-six years old!! I wonder if he would have had a long-term girlfriend by now? Maybe he'd even be married and have kids. Wow, I could be a gramma!! *Let's just hold that thought for a moment ... I'm not in a hurry for that!*
I find myself crying again. Often. At every single little movie clip of children being shot out of the blue. At every single person who get a disease and beats it. I wonder sometimes if my crying is a bit of a sign of anger that these people with diseases CAN beat them, while Danny didn't have a chance. He was gone in the blink of an eye. Before any of us even knew it was a possibility.
The worst part? For me? I never thought it could happen to me. I knew it could happen ... to anyone at any time, but never, EVER to me. Just. Couldn't.
But guess what? I'm here because it did. Because losing Danny has changed my heart irrevocably and made me a much better person. Losing Danny has changed my perspective on life as well as on what's truly important. I'm going to let you in on a secret here ... I would love to not be able to love so much, but then I think of all I would miss out on and decide I am fine just the way I am. I risk too much. I love too deeply. I cry too often. I sing to Jesus whether I'm happy, sad or just feel like singing. I am lonely, even with a crowded room full of people. I trust people until they give me a reason not to ... then I trust them just one more time .. in case they really want to be the people they say they are. Just in case.
Losing Danny has opened an entire new world to me. A world full of other people who hurt because they've lost a loved one. One where just about EVERY single person has lost SOMEONE they cared about ... through death, divorce, disease or just lost contact with because. Lost to us is lost.
If this post means nothing else to you, make no mistake that it IS a plea for you to reacquaint yourself with the people you've lost touch with. Maybe make an apology even when it wasn't your fault. Please, please, please do NOT let another day go by when you are not talking to someone you really want in your life. Just as importantly, surround yourself with people who love Jesus and accept you (but will call you on things you do wrong), so that you have no regrets.
Regrets are odd things. You don't want any. Or as few as possible, anyway. Do NOT regret loving someone who doesn't love you back because that love changes who YOU are. Do NOT think so much about the cost of things that you hold back from doing them. Take exotic trips to super cool places that intrigue you. God put a whole big world out there for us all to take advantage of ... in the best way possible. Live life large. Don't worry about whether or not you fit into the mold "they" have for you ... only God's mold really counts.
Don't want to work a 9-5 job?? Then DON'T!! Change the normal of your life to fit the life you want for yourself, while trying your very best to do what God has called you to do. Be the best YOU and God will use you in more ways than you will ever imagine.
If you are old enough to be married and have children, love them with all you are and all you have. Hold nothing back because you are a touchstone in their lives. Even when they say things that are hurtful and perhaps even a bit hateful, love them. Accept them socially where they are. Love them unconditionally for who they are. Then step back and place them in God's ever-caring, ever-loving, gentle embrace. He will guide them and take care of them for you. Always remember ... God wants the best for your children even as He wants the best for you.
Don't wait for tomorrow to look back and wish for today. "We have this moment to hold in our hands and touch as it slips through our fingers like sand. Yesterday's gone and tomorrow may never come, but we have this moment today." Bill Gaither Trio
Most importantly of all, don't ever stop loving your family. Your mum and dad will always be your mum and dad. If you need to forgive them for some past mistake, do. Your family is always your family. God chose them for you for a specific purpose, and it's up to you to figure that out. Love them. Show them God's love, even when it's difficult and seems nigh impossible. I promise one thing ... it is not.
Let Jesus be the light in your life, no matter what. When you are able to be the light shining into the darkness because of God's light, God is using you to show people who He is. Let Him. It's perhaps one of the hardest things you'll ever do ... allow yourself to be used by God and He will bless and keep you always.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Today ... Just Today
So, the last couple of days have been tough ones for me. The night before last I awoke with terrible night terrors, reliving the car accident that took Danny. No, I don't know exactly what happened, but that doesn't seem to stop my subconscious minds (aka satan) from putting details in my head that I can't possibly know. The terrors are always so vivid that I wake up drenched in sweat and tears, sobbing uncontrollably. Thankfully this time Dave wasn't waken up by it ... for that I am thankful. One of us going through this at a time is more than enough.
Then last night they struck again. Well, not really last night, but more like 3:30 this morning. And so I got up and worked on homework and tried to not think about Danny ... at all. That did not work. So here I am, putting down on paper what I can barely admit to feeling in my heart.
I know to expect stuff to hit me this time of year, just usually not quite this early. Danny would have been turning 24 (he was born in '88, so I believe my math is correct) on the 15th of this month and so it begins. I try so hard to not let these things happen. I keep praying throughout the day that God will help me through this. I know I'll never get "over" it, but getting through it ... once and for all ... would be nice. I am not sure I believe that will ever happen, however.
I feel so overwhelmed right now. I know that God loves me. I get that. And I know that my husband and my girls love me. I get that. And I know there are other people who love or, at the very least, care about me. I get that. It doesn't matter. Danny isn't here and no matter who is, he will never be again. I will never see his smile that lit my world. I will forever miss the colorful character that he was. There is no other person on this earth like him. I know. Does this help ... all of this remembering? Probably not but memories are what I have left of my son. So I will remember and I will be thankful for his life.
I will try to not cry when I say his name. I will not walk into work with a tear-stained face. I WILL get out of bed every day and do my best to make him proud. To not give up. To not let satan win this battle. Some days, quite honestly, I am afraid that I will loose.
No, I am not suicidal. No, I do not want to die. Yes, I will continue to laugh at stuff that makes me laugh and smile when I feel like smiling. But a part of me died with Danny, in 2005. Make no mistake .... I am not whole now, nor will I ever be again. I am aware of that. More intensely aware now than ever before.
I am tired of being strong. I just want to curl up in bed, nice and warm, and cry for a day ... or two ... or ten ... until there are no tears left. I did that, actually. I was pretty sure that there were no tears left in me on more than one occasion, but am always proven wrong. There are. Plenty. Always more where the last ones came from. My heart.
I never knew a heart could cry, but it does. I firmly believe that while my head knows Danny is gone and is coping quite nicely thank you very much, my heart will not, no CAN NOT admit to that same truth. He may be physically gone, but he will always live in my heart. My heart knows this and resists the emptiness that it feels at the mention of his name. It aches with a longing that will not be fulfilled until that day we see each other again. The ache is like nothing I've ever felt before or will ever feel again. It is an empty kind of ache ... as though my heart is missing a piece of itself which, in truth, it is. A very large piece.
I am tired of feeling desolate. Even with the hope my best friend Jesus gives me, I grow weary. I will be ok. I will never be the same, but life will go on. I will watch my daughters grow old and perhaps have children. I will watch C walk down the aisle some day, wishing her brother could be here to see her. I am sure everything will be fine. I will put my best foot forward day to day.
I will wait patiently for strangers to come along and read this and, perhaps, comment on it. I will do my best to help them understand whatever grief it is they are dealing with. I will move forward on this path God has placed my feet upon.
I will never understand why Danny died that night. Not ever. But I will accept it, in time. I just am not sure that I am ready quite yet. Forgive me but I don't know how to grieve the loss of a part of me. I. Just. Don't.
Jesus, help me today. I can only do this one day at a time and, with Your help, I am sure I CAN make it. Thank You for being my best friend. I love You.
Then last night they struck again. Well, not really last night, but more like 3:30 this morning. And so I got up and worked on homework and tried to not think about Danny ... at all. That did not work. So here I am, putting down on paper what I can barely admit to feeling in my heart.
I know to expect stuff to hit me this time of year, just usually not quite this early. Danny would have been turning 24 (he was born in '88, so I believe my math is correct) on the 15th of this month and so it begins. I try so hard to not let these things happen. I keep praying throughout the day that God will help me through this. I know I'll never get "over" it, but getting through it ... once and for all ... would be nice. I am not sure I believe that will ever happen, however.
I feel so overwhelmed right now. I know that God loves me. I get that. And I know that my husband and my girls love me. I get that. And I know there are other people who love or, at the very least, care about me. I get that. It doesn't matter. Danny isn't here and no matter who is, he will never be again. I will never see his smile that lit my world. I will forever miss the colorful character that he was. There is no other person on this earth like him. I know. Does this help ... all of this remembering? Probably not but memories are what I have left of my son. So I will remember and I will be thankful for his life.
I will try to not cry when I say his name. I will not walk into work with a tear-stained face. I WILL get out of bed every day and do my best to make him proud. To not give up. To not let satan win this battle. Some days, quite honestly, I am afraid that I will loose.
No, I am not suicidal. No, I do not want to die. Yes, I will continue to laugh at stuff that makes me laugh and smile when I feel like smiling. But a part of me died with Danny, in 2005. Make no mistake .... I am not whole now, nor will I ever be again. I am aware of that. More intensely aware now than ever before.
I am tired of being strong. I just want to curl up in bed, nice and warm, and cry for a day ... or two ... or ten ... until there are no tears left. I did that, actually. I was pretty sure that there were no tears left in me on more than one occasion, but am always proven wrong. There are. Plenty. Always more where the last ones came from. My heart.
I never knew a heart could cry, but it does. I firmly believe that while my head knows Danny is gone and is coping quite nicely thank you very much, my heart will not, no CAN NOT admit to that same truth. He may be physically gone, but he will always live in my heart. My heart knows this and resists the emptiness that it feels at the mention of his name. It aches with a longing that will not be fulfilled until that day we see each other again. The ache is like nothing I've ever felt before or will ever feel again. It is an empty kind of ache ... as though my heart is missing a piece of itself which, in truth, it is. A very large piece.
I am tired of feeling desolate. Even with the hope my best friend Jesus gives me, I grow weary. I will be ok. I will never be the same, but life will go on. I will watch my daughters grow old and perhaps have children. I will watch C walk down the aisle some day, wishing her brother could be here to see her. I am sure everything will be fine. I will put my best foot forward day to day.
I will wait patiently for strangers to come along and read this and, perhaps, comment on it. I will do my best to help them understand whatever grief it is they are dealing with. I will move forward on this path God has placed my feet upon.
I will never understand why Danny died that night. Not ever. But I will accept it, in time. I just am not sure that I am ready quite yet. Forgive me but I don't know how to grieve the loss of a part of me. I. Just. Don't.
Jesus, help me today. I can only do this one day at a time and, with Your help, I am sure I CAN make it. Thank You for being my best friend. I love You.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Another New Normal
So it's May 2012 and my little girl is graduating high school. She is excited, as am I, but my excitement is tinged with a healthy bit of fear and caution as I know her. Now that she is 18 and a legal adult, she is even more fearless than before. And that was fearless enough for me to try and live with!
C is my sweetheart and I know that, no matter what choices she makes about where to go to college or where to live, my life will be substantially emptier without her in it.
I find it difficult to not be super overprotective of C, since Danny is gone. This has started many a fight and a lot of harsh words have been exchanged as she believes I am being overbearing and I accuse her of being selfish, rude and thoughtless. We both believe we are right and, in a way, we both are. I AM being overprotective but, I believe, with good cause. She IS being selfish, but no more so than any other 18-year old who wants to prove that she DOES know some things and is not just an ignorant "child" with not thoughts or decision-making abilities of her own. She is of sound mind and a great judge of character, so why am I so afraid of her being on her own?
I am afraid that once she's tasted the freedom of life outside of the safety of these walls, she will never come back. I am afraid that she will try things that she shouldn't, just to prove to herself (and to us parents) that she really IS invincibel. She is not.She is, however, fearless. That is, I think, what is the hardest for me. This newly noticed sense of "It could never happen to me".
I wonder, does she think that Danny really believed that he would die the night he set out to go home from his friend's house? I am pretty sure that thought never crossed his mind either. In fact, I'm just as sure that clear back when he was learning to drive, it was common for him to say things like "Hey mom, I know, ok? I WON'T have too many friends in the car with me. I won't get distracted. I will be ok. Quit worrying."
I did. I quit worrying and now he is dead. Somehow, at some level, that still feels like my fault. Now don't get me wrong, I know I didn't kill Danny. In fact, I even know that it wasn't my fault he was driving at a time he shouldn't have been. After all, there was ice on the road and he knew that. He simply made a bad decision ... something we all do on a daily basis ... with far more dire consequences than most of use will ever face. It cost him his life.
So, life moves on. C graduates from high school and is off to a much warmer, less rainy climate to enjoy the first year of her college experience. San Diego is a huge city but I am sure she will fit right in there. She is a beautiful young woman, full of self confidence and carefully optimistic about her future. She talks about marketing and international business for her degree but, like most young people at this age, is truly undecided about where that will take her.
I keep encouraging her to travel. To perhaps take a job as a nanny in another country. She is a nomad like me, and I keep thinking that if she gets it out while she's younger, she will not regret later that she didn't travel. Once married and with kids, some of those things are much harder to do. Much more rewarding, from my point of view, but much harder nonetheless.
Sometimes, C says or does something that reminds me so much of Danny that it is painful. I am better at hiding this now. I do not EVER want her to think that she is the source of the pain those moments cause me. She is not. She is my heart.
I see a lot of Danny in her. She has a smile that is a little bit of a smirk, especially when she's just gotten something over on someone and they don't know it yet. And her laugh ... oh my goodness ... when she's truly laughing, it makes my heart soar to the highest heavens to hear her laughter fill the air. When she is around little people that she loves, this is when I notice it the most. Her smile is much easier coming then. Her posture more open and less self-protective. She loves with all that she is and sometimes with such abandon that I am sure some young man will find her and sweep her away. But not too soon. I pray this will not happen before she is truly ready for it. And yes, this means her dad and I are ready for it too.
I do not see her alone for very long in her young life. She is too loving and has too big of a heart for that. She is my heart and one of the most favorite people in my life. I pray that this new found friendship remains in place, as we both age and find ways to gracefully allow one another to grow into who we are meant to be.
I know now that I am meant to be her mom. I do not believe that there is a single other person on the face of this earth who could have done a better job than I have at raising her. I know that God placed her in my life for the lessons I would learn, but just as importantly because I would need the love she has to share. She is my daughter and I wouldn't change a thing about who she is, how she lives or how she loves. I would only ask her to be a bit more careful with her heart. God only gives us each one, and once it is broken for any reason, the pieces never fit together exactly right ever again.
Cherish your heart C. Love yourself enough to draw that line between who is worth your time and who is not. Do not base this on looks, or money but instead base this on what your heart tells you about a person. You have a gift with this. You have a super sense of good character ... do not be afraid to use it.
Know this, my darling daughter ... I love you. No matter who comes and goes in your life, I will always be here for you. You will always have a place to come home to. I am not perfect, but I am the only mom you got. You are not perfect but, to me, you are as close as I will ever see to perfection here on earth.
Just before she left for college, C said to me "Do you think Danny is watching us from heaven? I mean, really?" with a quizzical look on her face. I thought about this a few moments without answering. "You know, honey, I can't honestly answer that. I mean, I haven't found anywhere in the Bible where it says that he is but then, I haven't found anywhere that says he isn't either." I wait for her to say more but she is waiting for me so I go on. "I choose to believe that Danny is watching over us a little like a guardian angel might. When I remember this, I think of him looking down and wonder what he would think of how I am living my life. Did I listen to my heart and give that homeless person a sandwich or did I just walk by, not even acknowledging their presence? Did I help an older person carry their groceries to their car, just because it was the right thing to do? Danny was so inherently good at these "little things" in life. I would like to think that when he watches me ... us ... he is able to smile because we ARE living more outside of ourselves now. We ARE helping others with less. We ARE beginning to see what life should be like, living it for Christ. I choose to believe that those things make him happy. Whether or not it's true, I honestly can't say. But it certainly changes how I live my day to day life. And for an added benefit, I find that I like myself more these days as well."
I guess this answer satisfied her because that was the conversation in it's entirety. It has never been brought up again except when one of us, on occasion, says "betcha that made Danny laugh" and we look at one another and smile. That is, for me, enough. Hopefully, no prayerfully, for C it is enough as well.
C is my sweetheart and I know that, no matter what choices she makes about where to go to college or where to live, my life will be substantially emptier without her in it.
I find it difficult to not be super overprotective of C, since Danny is gone. This has started many a fight and a lot of harsh words have been exchanged as she believes I am being overbearing and I accuse her of being selfish, rude and thoughtless. We both believe we are right and, in a way, we both are. I AM being overprotective but, I believe, with good cause. She IS being selfish, but no more so than any other 18-year old who wants to prove that she DOES know some things and is not just an ignorant "child" with not thoughts or decision-making abilities of her own. She is of sound mind and a great judge of character, so why am I so afraid of her being on her own?
I am afraid that once she's tasted the freedom of life outside of the safety of these walls, she will never come back. I am afraid that she will try things that she shouldn't, just to prove to herself (and to us parents) that she really IS invincibel. She is not.She is, however, fearless. That is, I think, what is the hardest for me. This newly noticed sense of "It could never happen to me".
I wonder, does she think that Danny really believed that he would die the night he set out to go home from his friend's house? I am pretty sure that thought never crossed his mind either. In fact, I'm just as sure that clear back when he was learning to drive, it was common for him to say things like "Hey mom, I know, ok? I WON'T have too many friends in the car with me. I won't get distracted. I will be ok. Quit worrying."
I did. I quit worrying and now he is dead. Somehow, at some level, that still feels like my fault. Now don't get me wrong, I know I didn't kill Danny. In fact, I even know that it wasn't my fault he was driving at a time he shouldn't have been. After all, there was ice on the road and he knew that. He simply made a bad decision ... something we all do on a daily basis ... with far more dire consequences than most of use will ever face. It cost him his life.
So, life moves on. C graduates from high school and is off to a much warmer, less rainy climate to enjoy the first year of her college experience. San Diego is a huge city but I am sure she will fit right in there. She is a beautiful young woman, full of self confidence and carefully optimistic about her future. She talks about marketing and international business for her degree but, like most young people at this age, is truly undecided about where that will take her.
I keep encouraging her to travel. To perhaps take a job as a nanny in another country. She is a nomad like me, and I keep thinking that if she gets it out while she's younger, she will not regret later that she didn't travel. Once married and with kids, some of those things are much harder to do. Much more rewarding, from my point of view, but much harder nonetheless.
Sometimes, C says or does something that reminds me so much of Danny that it is painful. I am better at hiding this now. I do not EVER want her to think that she is the source of the pain those moments cause me. She is not. She is my heart.
I see a lot of Danny in her. She has a smile that is a little bit of a smirk, especially when she's just gotten something over on someone and they don't know it yet. And her laugh ... oh my goodness ... when she's truly laughing, it makes my heart soar to the highest heavens to hear her laughter fill the air. When she is around little people that she loves, this is when I notice it the most. Her smile is much easier coming then. Her posture more open and less self-protective. She loves with all that she is and sometimes with such abandon that I am sure some young man will find her and sweep her away. But not too soon. I pray this will not happen before she is truly ready for it. And yes, this means her dad and I are ready for it too.
I do not see her alone for very long in her young life. She is too loving and has too big of a heart for that. She is my heart and one of the most favorite people in my life. I pray that this new found friendship remains in place, as we both age and find ways to gracefully allow one another to grow into who we are meant to be.
I know now that I am meant to be her mom. I do not believe that there is a single other person on the face of this earth who could have done a better job than I have at raising her. I know that God placed her in my life for the lessons I would learn, but just as importantly because I would need the love she has to share. She is my daughter and I wouldn't change a thing about who she is, how she lives or how she loves. I would only ask her to be a bit more careful with her heart. God only gives us each one, and once it is broken for any reason, the pieces never fit together exactly right ever again.
Cherish your heart C. Love yourself enough to draw that line between who is worth your time and who is not. Do not base this on looks, or money but instead base this on what your heart tells you about a person. You have a gift with this. You have a super sense of good character ... do not be afraid to use it.
Know this, my darling daughter ... I love you. No matter who comes and goes in your life, I will always be here for you. You will always have a place to come home to. I am not perfect, but I am the only mom you got. You are not perfect but, to me, you are as close as I will ever see to perfection here on earth.
Just before she left for college, C said to me "Do you think Danny is watching us from heaven? I mean, really?" with a quizzical look on her face. I thought about this a few moments without answering. "You know, honey, I can't honestly answer that. I mean, I haven't found anywhere in the Bible where it says that he is but then, I haven't found anywhere that says he isn't either." I wait for her to say more but she is waiting for me so I go on. "I choose to believe that Danny is watching over us a little like a guardian angel might. When I remember this, I think of him looking down and wonder what he would think of how I am living my life. Did I listen to my heart and give that homeless person a sandwich or did I just walk by, not even acknowledging their presence? Did I help an older person carry their groceries to their car, just because it was the right thing to do? Danny was so inherently good at these "little things" in life. I would like to think that when he watches me ... us ... he is able to smile because we ARE living more outside of ourselves now. We ARE helping others with less. We ARE beginning to see what life should be like, living it for Christ. I choose to believe that those things make him happy. Whether or not it's true, I honestly can't say. But it certainly changes how I live my day to day life. And for an added benefit, I find that I like myself more these days as well."
I guess this answer satisfied her because that was the conversation in it's entirety. It has never been brought up again except when one of us, on occasion, says "betcha that made Danny laugh" and we look at one another and smile. That is, for me, enough. Hopefully, no prayerfully, for C it is enough as well.
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