College Life (Kinda)

Well, today I had a terrific time in my Psalms class, which has a wonderfully gifted young man for a teacher. It was my turn to share a "devotional presentation" ... a bit about how I press in closer to Jesus when I do my devotions throughout the day.

The following was my presentation, in it's entirety:

Frequently, when I begin my devotional time, I simply sit quietly and wait for the Spirit to tell me what He needs me to hear. Quite honestly, I usually last about 10 minutes and then I delve into whatever book of the Word I have been reading. Almost always, He gives me a song or, at the very least, lyrics to a song. Today will be a little different because I have chosen to take a risk and share a part of me that I don’t share easily with others. I would like to begin with a simple prayer before I read what I believe I have been asked to share with you.

“Dearest heavenly Father, please help me to share a part of myself with this class today, even as I share how this brings me deeper in my time with You. Thank You for Your love for us all, Jesus, to have become the bridge between Your Dad and us. Holy Spirit, please open each and every heart today to hear what You are trying to tell us. In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit … Amen”

First, I will warn you all that I am going to read you something that will probably make you a bit emotional and, if not, tug at your heart strings a little. It’s ok. It’s supposed to.

This is the latest entry in my blog about “Moving Forward After The Loss Of A Child”.

Just Another Day ...

Today marks eight years to the day since we buried Danny. Yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks, how very much I miss my son. I miss him when I least expect it.

When I see someone who looks like him, I want to ask his name and find out all about that young man that I can. Then I want to be available to help him out, if he doesn't have parents who care. It is incredibly hard to simply look at a face that is, ultimately, so familiar yet just as distinctly different.

Then I will be sitting in my college class, surrounded by a classroom full of 18-21 year olds ... young women and young men who remind me of Danny because of their age. There is one young man who uses the word "bullocks" and that always makes me giggle. I finally had to admit to him that it is because Danny used to say that ALL THE TIME when he was frustrated with something. I hear the word, I see his smile and I smile in return. It doesn't matter who says it, or why, it simply is something that was Danny.

I miss how he would reprimand C for being disrespectful to me. Whenever she'd argue with me, or just be a little ornery, he'd pull her aside and say "Don't talk to MY mom like that. She was my mom way before she was your mom and no one EVER talks to her like that. Not even you!" C would apologize and all was right with the world. For a moment or two. We were good.

It always comes back to me how much I miss my boy. No matter what I do, no matter how much time passes, even though I believe God has a purpose for my life, I miss my boy. It hits me now that I will never see him get married ... or have children ... or become the person God meant for him to be. I know it had to be hard when C graduated high school last year and Danny wasn't there. And when A got married in December of 2011, I know she missed him then too. I know that I did. And still do.

Sometimes I need to remind myself that he is the reason my life has turned out so differently. There is only one thing I can say for absolute certain and with 100% surety ... I would be a much poorer woman today if I had never had Danny in my life to love for those 18 years. He taught me more in the 18 years that he was here than I will, most likely, learn throughout the rest of my lifetime.

If I had roses, and believed he was still in the grave, I would put them on top of the ground. If I had a dollar for every time he made me smile, I would be a millionaire. I was blessed, not merely but truly blessed to have Danny Pasko in my life at all.

On this, the 8th anniversary of your death my dear son, I imagine you watching me from heaven. I hope you are proud of the mom I've been to the girls and the higher education I've pursued. I know that I, forever, am proud of you. Love you babe. 

This is what I was told to share with you all. Death is real. It is something that is every bit as much a part of life as life itself is. I am not saying this to scare you, or to hurt you, or to make you “feel” something particular. I am saying it simply because it is so.

Psalms 42:5b says “Pour your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.”  While verse 11b in the same chapter reads “Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.” For me, this simply means what it says … that no matter what the circumstances and no matter what the situation, God is worthy of my praise, love and adoration.

“God, how many times have I cried out to You, yet you did not respond to my pleas. I wait for You here on bended knee, yet You move not towards me. My heart is heavy and even empty, where it used to be full. Why, dear Father, have You left me alone??”

Poem (or song):

“I lifted my voice in anguish, I lifted my voice in pain, I waited for You to hear me, but You never came.  So, now I will wait and listen, trusting for You to speak, knowing … as You always do … just what I need. I have no words. It’s ok.”

“Your Presence … it overwhelms me. Your love, Your grace so true. Your tenderness and mercy …. Lord … it’s You. I just let Your Presence fill me. Alive like no time before. I waited and trusted for little … You gave me more.”

“I remember now what You promised … all of those years before. That no matter what road I chose to take, You’d be waiting at my heart’s door.  Please come and spend time with me Jesus. You’ll wait for me no more. I have decided that You’re what I need … You ARE my heart’s door.”

“Help me to understand You. Help me to know You more. May every word that I utter lead someone to want You more.”

“My head understands … now my heart can feel … the love You have Father … is so very real. Thank You for waiting … for me all this time … Ev’ry day I will seek You … Help me to find …….. Your Presence … it overwhelms me. Your love, Your grace so true. Your tenderness and mercy ….. Lord … it’s You. Please just let Your Presence fill me … Alive like no time before. I waited and trusted for little … You gave me more.”

“More of You, Jesus I want more. More of You, Jesus I want more.”

“As we sit here quietly, Father, contemplating the words of this song, please help us to remain open to Your voice. Help us to not balk when You ask us to do something we’re unsure of but to have the courage of lions. Help us to live our lives, moment by moment, remembering that You are always BEside us and INside us. With that in mind, Jesus, please help us to live our lives “from the inside out” to shine Your light so that others are aware of Your glory. In Your precious, holy name … Amen”

After the presentation, the teacher said he had a Word of God for me, and he shared a prophetic message with me. It was a word of encouragement and edification and now I am more sure than ever that I am doing what God needs me to do.

As I was sharing this presentation, I saw young people tearing up and even crying ... some of the students I have been in classes with for almost 2 years while the others are ones I only know by name. I was reminded, in this moment, that God puts everyone in our life for a specific period of time to fulfill a specific purpose and/or need. I can only pray that what I shared touched as many lives as it appears to have. That these young people will not forget, as they move ahead in their own life journeys, that every single person they meet has a story ... and they all bear listening to.

And to repeat the prayer above ... "Help me to not balk when You ask me to do something I'm unsure of, but to have the courage of lions. Help me to live my life, moment by moment, remembering that You are always BEside me and INside me. With that in mind, Jesus, please help me to live my life from the inside out, to shine Your light sot that others are aware of Your glory. In Your precious, holy name, Amen"

 

Just Another Day ...

Today marks eight years to the day since we buried Danny. Yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks, how very much I miss my son. I miss him when I least expect it. 

When I see someone who looks like him, I want to ask his name and find out all about that young man that I can. Then I want to be available to help him out, if he doesn't have parents who care. It is incredibly hard to simply look at a face that is, ultimately, so familiar yet just as distinctly different. 

Then I will be sitting in my college class, surrounded by a classroom full of 18-21 year olds ... young women and young men who remind me of Danny because of their age. There is one young man who uses the word "bullocks" and that always makes me giggle. I finally had to admit to him that it is because Danny used to say that ALL THE TIME when he was frustrated with something. I hear the word, I see his smile and I smile in return. It doesn't matter who says it, or why, it simply is something that was Danny.

I miss how he would reprimand C for being disrespectful to me. Whenever she'd argue with me, or just be a little ornery, he'd pull her aside and say "Don't talk to MY mom like that. She was my mom way before she was your mom and no one EVER talks to her like that. Not even you!" C would apologize and all was right with the world. For a moment or two. We were good.

It always comes back to me how much I miss my boy. No matter what I do, no matter how much time passes, even when I believe God has a purpose for my life, I miss my boy. It hits me now that I will never see him get married ... or have children ... or become the person God meant for him to be. I know it had to be hard when C graduated high school last year and Danny wasn't there. And when A got married in December of 2011, I know she missed him then too. I know that I did. And still do.

Sometimes I need to remind myself that he is the reason my life has turned out so differently. There is only one thing I can say for absolute certain and with 100% surety ... I would be a much poorer woman today if I had never had Danny in my life to love for those 18 years. He taught me more in the 18 years that he was here than I will, most likely, learn throughout the rest of my lifetime.

If I had roses, and believed he was still in the grave, I would put them on top of the ground. If I had a dollar for every time he made me smile, I would be a millionaire. I was blessed, not merely but truly blessed to have Danny Pasko in my life at all.

On this, the 8th anniversary of your death my dear son, I imagine you watching me from heaven. I hope you are proud of the mom I've been to the girls and the higher education I've pursued. I know that I, forever, am proud of you. Love you babe. 

Human-ness (aka humanity)

Today is a sad day for my heart. It seems like an ordinary Sunday to the world outside my window. The gray has covered the sky for the morning and that, too, seems fitting.

Perhaps if I ask God, He can tell me a few things.  Things like why we listen to satan when he lies to us. 

I found out today that a woman I didn't know took her own life because her child was taken from her. A newborn baby, the smallest light of the moment, was already gone from this world, making it a little lonelier for her family. But this young mom had another child to live for. Another little person depending on her to make it through this. But satan lied to her. I am sure that he approached her at her weakest, most vulnerable time, and yelled at her. He would have said things like "it won't get better, you know" ... "your family is better off without you" ... "you will never get through this" ... and her soul allowed her to believe, even if only for a moment. It was long enough for her to take her own life. I know all to well the feeling of utter despair and depression. A "long-term solution for a short-term issue" is what suicide really is. No matter how I try to, I will never understand it.

I am positive that her loving Father was whispering in her ear all along. "Honey, we will get through this. I promise that I am right here with you. I will never leave you nor forsake you. Please trust me. Your family loves you as I love you. Always have loved you. Always will love you. Please do not do this. This is a final act that cannot be undone. Things will remain forever in your loved ones memories that cannot be unsaid. Regret will run rampant and that enemy of ours will do everything he can to take everything from you. I PROMISE that I am here from you and will never go away. PLEASE talk to me. Cry with me, even as I am crying for you. I feel your loss more profoundly than you know. I loved her too. Believe me, I did." At the crossroads that was this moment of time, this young mom had two choices ... to reach out and take the hand Christ was extending to her to lift her up and close to Him or turn away. Regretfully, sadly, she turned away. 

PLEASE do not read this to say that "She isn't with God" or "she turned her back on God so He's turning His back on her". This is not, even for a moment, what my heart and soul believe, nor do either of these options even begin to ring true to my Spirit. My heart is more sad than words can ever express at the loss of this life.

This young mom's son will now live a life without her in it. He will be raised by other family members, no mother's touch. He will not see her smiling, proud face at his high school graduation. She will not be at his wedding, nor will she be able to help him raise his own children.

I have said in my posts that if it weren't for Dave and C, there would have been a grave next to my Danny for me. I did not say that lightly but with all the feeling and truth in my being that I can only try and convey to you.

Let us not forget this young mom. Let us push forward in our desire to understand depression and why it has such a powerful hold on us. Let us search out new ways to help those in distress; whether it's by lending a shoulder to cry on, or perhaps a giant box of kleenex and hot chocolate; help us to listen to the Spirit when these things happen. God help us to not be afraid of what people will think of us, but only of what YOU think of us. How much our obedience means to You, the Triune God.