The following was my presentation, in it's entirety:
Frequently, when I
begin my devotional time, I simply sit quietly and wait for the Spirit to tell
me what He needs me to hear. Quite honestly, I usually last about 10 minutes
and then I delve into whatever book of the Word I have been reading. Almost always,
He gives me a song or, at the very least, lyrics to a song. Today will be a
little different because I have chosen to take a risk and share a part of me
that I don’t share easily with others. I would like to begin with a simple
prayer before I read what I believe I have been asked to share with you.
“Dearest heavenly
Father, please help me to share a part of myself with this class today, even as
I share how this brings me deeper in my time with You. Thank You for Your love
for us all, Jesus, to have become the bridge between Your Dad and us. Holy
Spirit, please open each and every heart today to hear what You are trying to
tell us. In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit … Amen”
First, I will warn you
all that I am going to read you something that will probably make you a bit
emotional and, if not, tug at your heart strings a little. It’s ok. It’s
supposed to.
This is the latest
entry in my blog about “Moving Forward After The Loss Of A Child”.
Just Another Day ...
Today
marks eight years to the day since we buried Danny. Yesterday it hit me like a
ton of bricks, how very much I miss my son. I miss him when I least expect
it.
When I see someone who looks like him, I want to ask his name and find out all about that young man that I can. Then I want to be available to help him out, if he doesn't have parents who care. It is incredibly hard to simply look at a face that is, ultimately, so familiar yet just as distinctly different.
Then I will be sitting in my college class, surrounded by a classroom full of 18-21 year olds ... young women and young men who remind me of Danny because of their age. There is one young man who uses the word "bullocks" and that always makes me giggle. I finally had to admit to him that it is because Danny used to say that ALL THE TIME when he was frustrated with something. I hear the word, I see his smile and I smile in return. It doesn't matter who says it, or why, it simply is something that was Danny.
I miss how he would reprimand C for being disrespectful to me. Whenever she'd argue with me, or just be a little ornery, he'd pull her aside and say "Don't talk to MY mom like that. She was my mom way before she was your mom and no one EVER talks to her like that. Not even you!" C would apologize and all was right with the world. For a moment or two. We were good.
It always comes back to me how much I miss my boy. No matter what I do, no matter how much time passes, even though I believe God has a purpose for my life, I miss my boy. It hits me now that I will never see him get married ... or have children ... or become the person God meant for him to be. I know it had to be hard when C graduated high school last year and Danny wasn't there. And when A got married in December of 2011, I know she missed him then too. I know that I did. And still do.
Sometimes I need to remind myself that he is the reason my life has turned out so differently. There is only one thing I can say for absolute certain and with 100% surety ... I would be a much poorer woman today if I had never had Danny in my life to love for those 18 years. He taught me more in the 18 years that he was here than I will, most likely, learn throughout the rest of my lifetime.
If I had roses, and believed he was still in the grave, I would put them on top of the ground. If I had a dollar for every time he made me smile, I would be a millionaire. I was blessed, not merely but truly blessed to have Danny Pasko in my life at all.
On this, the 8th anniversary of your death my dear son, I imagine you watching me from heaven. I hope you are proud of the mom I've been to the girls and the higher education I've pursued. I know that I, forever, am proud of you. Love you babe.
When I see someone who looks like him, I want to ask his name and find out all about that young man that I can. Then I want to be available to help him out, if he doesn't have parents who care. It is incredibly hard to simply look at a face that is, ultimately, so familiar yet just as distinctly different.
Then I will be sitting in my college class, surrounded by a classroom full of 18-21 year olds ... young women and young men who remind me of Danny because of their age. There is one young man who uses the word "bullocks" and that always makes me giggle. I finally had to admit to him that it is because Danny used to say that ALL THE TIME when he was frustrated with something. I hear the word, I see his smile and I smile in return. It doesn't matter who says it, or why, it simply is something that was Danny.
I miss how he would reprimand C for being disrespectful to me. Whenever she'd argue with me, or just be a little ornery, he'd pull her aside and say "Don't talk to MY mom like that. She was my mom way before she was your mom and no one EVER talks to her like that. Not even you!" C would apologize and all was right with the world. For a moment or two. We were good.
It always comes back to me how much I miss my boy. No matter what I do, no matter how much time passes, even though I believe God has a purpose for my life, I miss my boy. It hits me now that I will never see him get married ... or have children ... or become the person God meant for him to be. I know it had to be hard when C graduated high school last year and Danny wasn't there. And when A got married in December of 2011, I know she missed him then too. I know that I did. And still do.
Sometimes I need to remind myself that he is the reason my life has turned out so differently. There is only one thing I can say for absolute certain and with 100% surety ... I would be a much poorer woman today if I had never had Danny in my life to love for those 18 years. He taught me more in the 18 years that he was here than I will, most likely, learn throughout the rest of my lifetime.
If I had roses, and believed he was still in the grave, I would put them on top of the ground. If I had a dollar for every time he made me smile, I would be a millionaire. I was blessed, not merely but truly blessed to have Danny Pasko in my life at all.
On this, the 8th anniversary of your death my dear son, I imagine you watching me from heaven. I hope you are proud of the mom I've been to the girls and the higher education I've pursued. I know that I, forever, am proud of you. Love you babe.
This is what I was told
to share with you all. Death is real. It is something that is every bit as much
a part of life as life itself is. I am not saying this to scare you, or to hurt
you, or to make you “feel” something particular. I am saying it simply because
it is so.
Psalms 42:5b says “Pour
your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.” While verse 11b in the same chapter reads
“Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.” For
me, this simply means what it says … that no matter what the circumstances and
no matter what the situation, God is worthy of my praise, love and adoration.
“God, how many times have I cried out to
You, yet you did not respond to my pleas. I wait for You here on bended knee,
yet You move not towards me. My heart is heavy and even empty, where it used to
be full. Why, dear Father, have You left me alone??”
Poem (or
song):
“I lifted
my voice in anguish, I lifted my voice in pain, I waited for You to hear me,
but You never came. So, now I will wait
and listen, trusting for You to speak, knowing … as You always do … just what I
need. I have no words. It’s ok.”
“Your
Presence … it overwhelms me. Your love, Your grace so true. Your tenderness and
mercy …. Lord … it’s You. I just let Your Presence fill me. Alive like no time
before. I waited and trusted for little … You gave me more.”
“I
remember now what You promised … all of those years before. That no matter what
road I chose to take, You’d be waiting at my heart’s door. Please come and spend time with me Jesus.
You’ll wait for me no more. I have decided that You’re what I need … You ARE my
heart’s door.”
“Help me
to understand You. Help me to know You more. May every word that I utter lead
someone to want You more.”
“My head
understands … now my heart can feel … the love You have Father … is so very
real. Thank You for waiting … for me all this time … Ev’ry day I will seek You
… Help me to find …….. Your Presence … it overwhelms me. Your love, Your grace
so true. Your tenderness and mercy ….. Lord … it’s You. Please just let Your
Presence fill me … Alive like no time before. I waited and trusted for little …
You gave me more.”
“More of
You, Jesus I want more. More of You, Jesus I want more.”
“As we sit here
quietly, Father, contemplating the words of this song, please help us to remain
open to Your voice. Help us to not balk when You ask us to do something we’re
unsure of but to have the courage of lions. Help us to live our lives, moment
by moment, remembering that You are always BEside us and INside us. With that
in mind, Jesus, please help us to live our lives “from the inside out” to shine
Your light so that others are aware of Your glory. In Your precious, holy name
… Amen”
After the presentation, the teacher said he had a Word of God for me, and he shared a prophetic message with me. It was a word of encouragement and edification and now I am more sure than ever that I am doing what God needs me to do.
As I was sharing this presentation, I saw young people tearing up and even crying ... some of the students I have been in classes with for almost 2 years while the others are ones I only know by name. I was reminded, in this moment, that God puts everyone in our life for a specific period of time to fulfill a specific purpose and/or need. I can only pray that what I shared touched as many lives as it appears to have. That these young people will not forget, as they move ahead in their own life journeys, that every single person they meet has a story ... and they all bear listening to.
And to repeat the prayer above ... "Help me to not balk when You ask me to do something I'm unsure of, but to have the courage of lions. Help me to live my life, moment by moment, remembering that You are always BEside me and INside me. With that in mind, Jesus, please help me to live my life from the inside out, to shine Your light sot that others are aware of Your glory. In Your precious, holy name, Amen"
Absolutely beautiful. And I know within the last eleven years that there were different people that have spoken prophetic spiritual words of Godly Encouragement over Rebecca and I and that still continues within our current Church Body of Church In The City Of Muskegon. There is a dear Sister-In-Christ and her name is Marilyn Petrowski and she said anytime that if I have a dream or vision from God that I feel is for the Local Church Body that I should start a Dream and Vision Journal and write down the date and time and also send Marilyn an email and also if I know that God is wanting me to share something out of the Word of God; that I should do so with confidence and ask the Holy Spirit for the Wisdom and Words to speak and know that even though I am not a Public Speaker that will not excuse me from sharing what is on my heart and mind; I know that I do not have to be eloquent in sharing my message with others.
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