College Life (Kinda)

Well, today I had a terrific time in my Psalms class, which has a wonderfully gifted young man for a teacher. It was my turn to share a "devotional presentation" ... a bit about how I press in closer to Jesus when I do my devotions throughout the day.

The following was my presentation, in it's entirety:

Frequently, when I begin my devotional time, I simply sit quietly and wait for the Spirit to tell me what He needs me to hear. Quite honestly, I usually last about 10 minutes and then I delve into whatever book of the Word I have been reading. Almost always, He gives me a song or, at the very least, lyrics to a song. Today will be a little different because I have chosen to take a risk and share a part of me that I don’t share easily with others. I would like to begin with a simple prayer before I read what I believe I have been asked to share with you.

“Dearest heavenly Father, please help me to share a part of myself with this class today, even as I share how this brings me deeper in my time with You. Thank You for Your love for us all, Jesus, to have become the bridge between Your Dad and us. Holy Spirit, please open each and every heart today to hear what You are trying to tell us. In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit … Amen”

First, I will warn you all that I am going to read you something that will probably make you a bit emotional and, if not, tug at your heart strings a little. It’s ok. It’s supposed to.

This is the latest entry in my blog about “Moving Forward After The Loss Of A Child”.

Just Another Day ...

Today marks eight years to the day since we buried Danny. Yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks, how very much I miss my son. I miss him when I least expect it.

When I see someone who looks like him, I want to ask his name and find out all about that young man that I can. Then I want to be available to help him out, if he doesn't have parents who care. It is incredibly hard to simply look at a face that is, ultimately, so familiar yet just as distinctly different.

Then I will be sitting in my college class, surrounded by a classroom full of 18-21 year olds ... young women and young men who remind me of Danny because of their age. There is one young man who uses the word "bullocks" and that always makes me giggle. I finally had to admit to him that it is because Danny used to say that ALL THE TIME when he was frustrated with something. I hear the word, I see his smile and I smile in return. It doesn't matter who says it, or why, it simply is something that was Danny.

I miss how he would reprimand C for being disrespectful to me. Whenever she'd argue with me, or just be a little ornery, he'd pull her aside and say "Don't talk to MY mom like that. She was my mom way before she was your mom and no one EVER talks to her like that. Not even you!" C would apologize and all was right with the world. For a moment or two. We were good.

It always comes back to me how much I miss my boy. No matter what I do, no matter how much time passes, even though I believe God has a purpose for my life, I miss my boy. It hits me now that I will never see him get married ... or have children ... or become the person God meant for him to be. I know it had to be hard when C graduated high school last year and Danny wasn't there. And when A got married in December of 2011, I know she missed him then too. I know that I did. And still do.

Sometimes I need to remind myself that he is the reason my life has turned out so differently. There is only one thing I can say for absolute certain and with 100% surety ... I would be a much poorer woman today if I had never had Danny in my life to love for those 18 years. He taught me more in the 18 years that he was here than I will, most likely, learn throughout the rest of my lifetime.

If I had roses, and believed he was still in the grave, I would put them on top of the ground. If I had a dollar for every time he made me smile, I would be a millionaire. I was blessed, not merely but truly blessed to have Danny Pasko in my life at all.

On this, the 8th anniversary of your death my dear son, I imagine you watching me from heaven. I hope you are proud of the mom I've been to the girls and the higher education I've pursued. I know that I, forever, am proud of you. Love you babe. 

This is what I was told to share with you all. Death is real. It is something that is every bit as much a part of life as life itself is. I am not saying this to scare you, or to hurt you, or to make you “feel” something particular. I am saying it simply because it is so.

Psalms 42:5b says “Pour your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.”  While verse 11b in the same chapter reads “Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.” For me, this simply means what it says … that no matter what the circumstances and no matter what the situation, God is worthy of my praise, love and adoration.

“God, how many times have I cried out to You, yet you did not respond to my pleas. I wait for You here on bended knee, yet You move not towards me. My heart is heavy and even empty, where it used to be full. Why, dear Father, have You left me alone??”

Poem (or song):

“I lifted my voice in anguish, I lifted my voice in pain, I waited for You to hear me, but You never came.  So, now I will wait and listen, trusting for You to speak, knowing … as You always do … just what I need. I have no words. It’s ok.”

“Your Presence … it overwhelms me. Your love, Your grace so true. Your tenderness and mercy …. Lord … it’s You. I just let Your Presence fill me. Alive like no time before. I waited and trusted for little … You gave me more.”

“I remember now what You promised … all of those years before. That no matter what road I chose to take, You’d be waiting at my heart’s door.  Please come and spend time with me Jesus. You’ll wait for me no more. I have decided that You’re what I need … You ARE my heart’s door.”

“Help me to understand You. Help me to know You more. May every word that I utter lead someone to want You more.”

“My head understands … now my heart can feel … the love You have Father … is so very real. Thank You for waiting … for me all this time … Ev’ry day I will seek You … Help me to find …….. Your Presence … it overwhelms me. Your love, Your grace so true. Your tenderness and mercy ….. Lord … it’s You. Please just let Your Presence fill me … Alive like no time before. I waited and trusted for little … You gave me more.”

“More of You, Jesus I want more. More of You, Jesus I want more.”

“As we sit here quietly, Father, contemplating the words of this song, please help us to remain open to Your voice. Help us to not balk when You ask us to do something we’re unsure of but to have the courage of lions. Help us to live our lives, moment by moment, remembering that You are always BEside us and INside us. With that in mind, Jesus, please help us to live our lives “from the inside out” to shine Your light so that others are aware of Your glory. In Your precious, holy name … Amen”

After the presentation, the teacher said he had a Word of God for me, and he shared a prophetic message with me. It was a word of encouragement and edification and now I am more sure than ever that I am doing what God needs me to do.

As I was sharing this presentation, I saw young people tearing up and even crying ... some of the students I have been in classes with for almost 2 years while the others are ones I only know by name. I was reminded, in this moment, that God puts everyone in our life for a specific period of time to fulfill a specific purpose and/or need. I can only pray that what I shared touched as many lives as it appears to have. That these young people will not forget, as they move ahead in their own life journeys, that every single person they meet has a story ... and they all bear listening to.

And to repeat the prayer above ... "Help me to not balk when You ask me to do something I'm unsure of, but to have the courage of lions. Help me to live my life, moment by moment, remembering that You are always BEside me and INside me. With that in mind, Jesus, please help me to live my life from the inside out, to shine Your light sot that others are aware of Your glory. In Your precious, holy name, Amen"

 

Just Another Day ...

Today marks eight years to the day since we buried Danny. Yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks, how very much I miss my son. I miss him when I least expect it. 

When I see someone who looks like him, I want to ask his name and find out all about that young man that I can. Then I want to be available to help him out, if he doesn't have parents who care. It is incredibly hard to simply look at a face that is, ultimately, so familiar yet just as distinctly different. 

Then I will be sitting in my college class, surrounded by a classroom full of 18-21 year olds ... young women and young men who remind me of Danny because of their age. There is one young man who uses the word "bullocks" and that always makes me giggle. I finally had to admit to him that it is because Danny used to say that ALL THE TIME when he was frustrated with something. I hear the word, I see his smile and I smile in return. It doesn't matter who says it, or why, it simply is something that was Danny.

I miss how he would reprimand C for being disrespectful to me. Whenever she'd argue with me, or just be a little ornery, he'd pull her aside and say "Don't talk to MY mom like that. She was my mom way before she was your mom and no one EVER talks to her like that. Not even you!" C would apologize and all was right with the world. For a moment or two. We were good.

It always comes back to me how much I miss my boy. No matter what I do, no matter how much time passes, even when I believe God has a purpose for my life, I miss my boy. It hits me now that I will never see him get married ... or have children ... or become the person God meant for him to be. I know it had to be hard when C graduated high school last year and Danny wasn't there. And when A got married in December of 2011, I know she missed him then too. I know that I did. And still do.

Sometimes I need to remind myself that he is the reason my life has turned out so differently. There is only one thing I can say for absolute certain and with 100% surety ... I would be a much poorer woman today if I had never had Danny in my life to love for those 18 years. He taught me more in the 18 years that he was here than I will, most likely, learn throughout the rest of my lifetime.

If I had roses, and believed he was still in the grave, I would put them on top of the ground. If I had a dollar for every time he made me smile, I would be a millionaire. I was blessed, not merely but truly blessed to have Danny Pasko in my life at all.

On this, the 8th anniversary of your death my dear son, I imagine you watching me from heaven. I hope you are proud of the mom I've been to the girls and the higher education I've pursued. I know that I, forever, am proud of you. Love you babe. 

Human-ness (aka humanity)

Today is a sad day for my heart. It seems like an ordinary Sunday to the world outside my window. The gray has covered the sky for the morning and that, too, seems fitting.

Perhaps if I ask God, He can tell me a few things.  Things like why we listen to satan when he lies to us. 

I found out today that a woman I didn't know took her own life because her child was taken from her. A newborn baby, the smallest light of the moment, was already gone from this world, making it a little lonelier for her family. But this young mom had another child to live for. Another little person depending on her to make it through this. But satan lied to her. I am sure that he approached her at her weakest, most vulnerable time, and yelled at her. He would have said things like "it won't get better, you know" ... "your family is better off without you" ... "you will never get through this" ... and her soul allowed her to believe, even if only for a moment. It was long enough for her to take her own life. I know all to well the feeling of utter despair and depression. A "long-term solution for a short-term issue" is what suicide really is. No matter how I try to, I will never understand it.

I am positive that her loving Father was whispering in her ear all along. "Honey, we will get through this. I promise that I am right here with you. I will never leave you nor forsake you. Please trust me. Your family loves you as I love you. Always have loved you. Always will love you. Please do not do this. This is a final act that cannot be undone. Things will remain forever in your loved ones memories that cannot be unsaid. Regret will run rampant and that enemy of ours will do everything he can to take everything from you. I PROMISE that I am here from you and will never go away. PLEASE talk to me. Cry with me, even as I am crying for you. I feel your loss more profoundly than you know. I loved her too. Believe me, I did." At the crossroads that was this moment of time, this young mom had two choices ... to reach out and take the hand Christ was extending to her to lift her up and close to Him or turn away. Regretfully, sadly, she turned away. 

PLEASE do not read this to say that "She isn't with God" or "she turned her back on God so He's turning His back on her". This is not, even for a moment, what my heart and soul believe, nor do either of these options even begin to ring true to my Spirit. My heart is more sad than words can ever express at the loss of this life.

This young mom's son will now live a life without her in it. He will be raised by other family members, no mother's touch. He will not see her smiling, proud face at his high school graduation. She will not be at his wedding, nor will she be able to help him raise his own children.

I have said in my posts that if it weren't for Dave and C, there would have been a grave next to my Danny for me. I did not say that lightly but with all the feeling and truth in my being that I can only try and convey to you.

Let us not forget this young mom. Let us push forward in our desire to understand depression and why it has such a powerful hold on us. Let us search out new ways to help those in distress; whether it's by lending a shoulder to cry on, or perhaps a giant box of kleenex and hot chocolate; help us to listen to the Spirit when these things happen. God help us to not be afraid of what people will think of us, but only of what YOU think of us. How much our obedience means to You, the Triune God.  

My Son's 26th Birthday

Today my son Danny was born. Well, not exactly today, but 26 years ago today. But he's not here to celebrate it with me, nor will he ever be again. I am sad. I realize a lot of things now that I wish I had known then, 26 years ago. 

When Danny was born, he was just under 24" long. Yep!! Almost 2' at birth and not to slow down anytime soon, either. At death, he was a bit over 6'4" and I've often wondered if he would have continued to grow like the weed he always had been. Or would he have slowed down?

I see C getting older and wonder if she would be less protective of her heart (with me, anyway) if Danny had lived. He always was a sort of "go-between" for us, because he loved us both so much and could truly see both perspectives without taking sides. 

I know that A missed him being at her wedding. Even though they were step-siblings, you would have never known it with the bond they shared from day one. I know she misses him terribly and often, but I don't know what to say to that or how to help. This makes me sad as well.

When he was little he was a daredevil. Middle-school stunts were things like not keeping himself from trying out "Jackass"-type of stunts. Yep, you know the ones. Hmmmm ... "How much pepto-bismal can I drink before it makes me sick?"  or perhaps more along the lines of "Why should I respect adults just because they ARE adults? They don't know me, or get to know me so I don't get THEIR respect automatically, why should they get MINE?"

Buck authority? Danny? YEP!

One day at middle school "Mom, why do I have to listen to a teacher that is stupid and doesn't know the answer to the question she asked?"  Me ... "Well son, it just comes with respect. You should ALWAYS respect those in authority over you." Danny: "Well, fine, but who decides who THAT is?" Me ... "Good question. Let me think on that and get back with you when I have an answer." LOL

Danny always knew what was going on in my heart. He never thought I should be perfect or anyone but who I was. I was simply me .... mom ... and he was my sunshine.

Wow. Hard to believe. Seven years. Twenty-six years old!! I wonder if he would have had a long-term girlfriend by now? Maybe he'd even be married and have kids. Wow, I could be a gramma!! *Let's just hold that thought for a moment ... I'm not in a hurry for that!*

I find myself crying again. Often. At every single little movie clip of children being shot out of the blue. At every single person who get a disease and beats it. I wonder sometimes if my crying is a bit of a sign of anger that these people with diseases CAN beat them, while Danny didn't have a chance. He was gone in the blink of an eye. Before any of us even knew it was a possibility. 

The worst part? For me? I never thought it could happen to me. I knew it could happen ... to anyone at any time, but never, EVER to me. Just. Couldn't.

But guess what? I'm here because it did. Because losing Danny has changed my heart irrevocably and made me a much better person. Losing Danny has changed my perspective on life as well as on what's truly important. I'm going to let you in on a secret here ... I would love to not be able to love so much, but then I think of all I would miss out on and decide I am fine just the way I am. I risk too much. I love too deeply. I cry too often. I sing to Jesus whether I'm happy, sad or just feel like singing. I am lonely, even with a crowded room full of people. I trust people until they give me a reason not to ... then I trust them just one more time .. in case they really want to be the people they say they are. Just in case.

Losing Danny has opened an entire new world to me. A world full of other people who hurt because they've lost a loved one. One where just about EVERY single person has lost SOMEONE they cared about ... through death, divorce, disease or just lost contact with because. Lost to us is lost. 

If this post means nothing else to you, make no mistake that it IS a plea for you to reacquaint yourself with the people you've lost touch with. Maybe make an apology even when it wasn't your fault. Please, please, please do NOT let another day go by when you are not talking to someone you really want in your life. Just as importantly, surround yourself with people who love Jesus and accept you (but will call you on things you do wrong), so that you have no regrets.

Regrets are odd things. You don't want any. Or as few as possible, anyway. Do NOT regret loving someone who doesn't love you back because that love changes who YOU are. Do NOT think so much about the cost of things that you hold back from doing them. Take exotic trips to super cool places that intrigue you. God put a whole big world out there for us all to take advantage of ... in the best way possible. Live life large. Don't worry about whether or not you fit into the mold "they" have for you ... only God's mold really counts. 

Don't want to work a 9-5 job?? Then DON'T!! Change the normal of your life to fit the life you want for yourself, while trying your very best to do what God has called you to do. Be the best YOU and God will use you in more ways than you will ever imagine. 

If you are old enough to be married and have children, love them with all you are and all you have. Hold nothing back because you are a touchstone in their lives. Even when they say things that are hurtful and perhaps even a bit hateful, love them. Accept them socially where they are. Love them unconditionally for who they are. Then step back and place them in God's ever-caring, ever-loving, gentle embrace. He will guide them and take care of them for you. Always remember ... God wants the best for your children even as He wants the best for you.

Don't wait for tomorrow to look back and wish for today. "We have this moment to hold in our hands and touch as it slips through our fingers like sand. Yesterday's gone and tomorrow may never come, but we have this moment today."  Bill Gaither Trio

Most importantly of all, don't ever stop loving your family. Your mum and dad will always be your mum and dad. If you need to forgive them for some past mistake, do. Your family is always your family. God chose them for you for a specific purpose, and it's up to you to figure that out. Love them. Show them God's love, even when it's difficult and seems nigh impossible. I promise one thing ... it is not.

Let Jesus be the light in your life, no matter what. When you are able to be the light shining into the darkness because of God's light, God is using you to show people who He is. Let Him. It's perhaps one of the hardest things you'll ever do ... allow yourself to be used by God and He will bless and keep you always. 

Today ... Just Today

So, the last couple of days have been tough ones for me. The night before last I awoke with terrible night terrors, reliving the car accident that took Danny. No, I don't know exactly what happened, but that doesn't seem to stop my subconscious minds (aka satan) from putting details in my head that I can't possibly know. The terrors are always so vivid that I wake up drenched in sweat and tears, sobbing uncontrollably. Thankfully this time Dave wasn't waken up by it ... for that I am thankful. One of us going through this at a time is more than enough.

Then last night they struck again. Well, not really last night, but more like 3:30 this morning. And so I got up and worked on homework and tried to not think about Danny ... at all. That did not work. So here I am, putting down on paper what I can barely admit to feeling in my heart.

I know to expect stuff to hit me this time of year, just usually not quite this early. Danny would have been turning 24 (he was born in '88, so I believe my math is correct) on the 15th of this month and so it begins. I try so hard to not let these things happen. I keep praying throughout the day that God will help me through this. I know I'll never get "over" it, but getting through it ... once and for all ... would be nice. I am not sure I believe that will ever happen, however.

I feel so overwhelmed right now. I know that God loves me. I get that. And I know that my husband and my girls love me. I get that. And I know there are other people who love or, at the very least, care about me. I get that. It doesn't matter. Danny isn't here and no matter who is, he will never be again. I will never see his smile that lit my world. I will forever miss the colorful character that he was. There is no other person on this earth like him. I know. Does this help ... all of this remembering? Probably not but memories are what I have left of my son. So I will remember and I will be thankful for his life. 

I will try to not cry when I say his name. I will not walk into work with a tear-stained face. I WILL get out of bed every day and do my best to make him proud. To not give up. To not let satan win this battle. Some days, quite honestly, I am afraid that I will loose.

No, I am not suicidal. No, I do not want to die. Yes, I will continue to laugh at stuff that makes me laugh and smile when I feel like smiling. But a part of me died with Danny, in 2005. Make no mistake .... I am not whole now, nor will I ever be again. I am aware of that. More intensely aware now than ever before.

I am tired of being strong. I just want to curl up in bed, nice and warm, and cry for a day ... or two ... or ten ... until there are no tears left. I did that, actually. I was pretty sure that there were no tears left in me on more than one occasion, but am always proven wrong. There are. Plenty. Always more where the last ones came from. My heart.

I never knew a heart could cry, but it does. I firmly believe that while my head knows Danny is gone and is coping quite nicely thank you very much, my heart will not, no CAN NOT admit to that same truth. He may be physically gone, but he will always live in my heart. My heart knows this and resists the emptiness that it feels at the mention of his name. It aches with a longing that will not be fulfilled until that day we see each other again. The ache is like nothing I've ever felt before or will ever feel again. It is an empty kind of ache ... as though my heart is missing a piece of itself which, in truth, it is. A very large piece.

I am tired of feeling desolate. Even with the hope my best friend Jesus gives me, I grow weary. I will be ok. I will never be the same, but life will go on. I will watch my daughters grow old and perhaps have children. I will watch C walk down the aisle some day, wishing her brother could be here to see her. I am sure everything will be fine. I will put my best foot forward day to day. 

I will wait patiently for strangers to come along and read this and, perhaps, comment on it. I will do my best to help them understand whatever grief it is they are dealing with. I will move forward on this path God has placed my feet upon. 

I will never understand why Danny died that night. Not ever. But I will accept it, in time. I just am not sure that I am ready quite yet. Forgive me but I don't know how to grieve the loss of a part of me. I. Just. Don't.

Jesus, help me today. I can only do this one day at a time and, with Your help, I am sure I CAN make it. Thank You for being my best friend. I love You.

 

Another New Normal

   So it's May 2012 and my little girl is graduating high school. She is excited, as am I, but my excitement is tinged with a healthy bit of fear and caution as I know her. Now that she is 18 and a legal adult, she is even more fearless than before. And that was fearless enough for me to try and live with!
     C is my sweetheart and I know that, no matter what choices she makes about where to go to college or where to live, my life will be substantially emptier without her in it. 
     I find it difficult to not be super overprotective of C, since Danny is gone. This has started many a fight and a lot of harsh words have been exchanged as she believes I am being overbearing and I accuse her of being selfish, rude and thoughtless. We both believe we are right and, in a way, we both are. I AM being overprotective but, I believe, with good cause. She IS being selfish, but no more so than any other 18-year old who wants to prove that she DOES know some things and is not just an ignorant "child" with not thoughts or decision-making abilities of her own. She is of sound mind and a great judge of character, so why am I so afraid of her being on her own?
     I am afraid that once she's tasted the freedom of life outside of the safety of these walls, she will never come back. I am afraid that she will try things that she shouldn't, just to prove to herself (and to us parents) that she really IS invincibel. She is not.She is, however, fearless. That is, I think, what is the hardest for me. This newly noticed sense of "It could never happen to me". 
     I wonder, does she think that Danny really believed that he would die the night he set out to go home from his friend's house? I am pretty sure that thought never crossed his mind either. In fact, I'm just as sure that clear back when he was learning to drive, it was common for him to say things like "Hey mom, I know, ok? I WON'T have too many friends in the car with me. I won't get distracted. I will be ok. Quit worrying."
     I did. I quit worrying and now he is dead. Somehow, at some level, that still feels like my fault. Now don't get me wrong, I know I didn't kill Danny. In fact, I even know that it wasn't my fault he was driving at a time he shouldn't have been. After all, there was ice on the road and he knew that. He simply made a bad decision ... something we all do on a daily basis ... with far more dire consequences than most of use will ever face. It cost him his life.
     So, life moves on. C graduates from high school and is off to a much warmer, less rainy climate to enjoy the first year of her college experience. San Diego is a huge city but I am sure she will fit right in there. She is a beautiful young woman, full of self confidence and carefully optimistic about her future. She talks about marketing and international business for her degree but, like most young people at this age, is truly undecided about where that will take her.
     I keep encouraging her to travel. To perhaps take a job as a nanny in another country. She is a nomad like me, and I keep thinking that if she gets it out while she's younger, she will not regret later that she didn't travel. Once married and with kids, some of those things are much harder to do. Much more rewarding, from my point of view, but much harder nonetheless.
     Sometimes, C says or does something that reminds me so much of Danny that it is painful. I am better at hiding this now. I do not EVER want her to think that she is the source of the pain those moments cause me. She is not. She is my heart.
     I see a lot of Danny in her. She has a smile that is a little bit of a smirk, especially when she's just gotten something over on someone and they don't know it yet. And her laugh ... oh my goodness ... when she's truly laughing, it makes my heart soar to the highest heavens to hear her laughter fill the air. When she is around little people that she loves, this is when I notice it the most. Her smile is much easier coming then. Her posture more open and less self-protective. She loves with all that she is and sometimes with such abandon that I am sure some young man will find her and sweep her away. But not too soon. I pray this will not happen before she is truly ready for it. And yes, this means her dad and I are ready for it too.
     I do not see her alone for very long in her young life. She is too loving and has too big of a heart for that. She is my heart and one of the most favorite people in my life. I pray that this new found friendship remains in place, as we both age and find ways to gracefully allow one another to grow into who we are meant to be.
     I know now that I am meant to be her mom. I do not believe that there is a single other person on the face of this earth who could have done a better job than I have at raising her. I know that God placed her in my life for the lessons I would learn, but just as importantly because I would need the love she has to share. She is my daughter and I wouldn't change a thing about who she is, how she lives or how she loves. I would only ask her to be a bit more careful with her heart. God only gives us each one, and once it is broken for any reason, the pieces never fit together exactly right ever again.
     Cherish your heart C. Love yourself enough to draw that line between who is worth your time and who is not. Do not base this on looks, or money but instead base this on what your heart tells you about a person. You have a gift with this. You have a super sense of good character ... do not be afraid to use it.
     Know this, my darling daughter ... I love you. No matter who comes and goes in your life, I will always be here for you. You will always have a place to come home to. I am not perfect, but I am the only mom you got. You are not perfect but, to me, you are as close as I will ever see to perfection here on earth.

     Just before she left for college, C said to me "Do you think Danny is watching us from heaven? I mean, really?" with a quizzical look on her face. I thought about this a few moments without answering. "You know, honey, I can't honestly answer that. I mean, I haven't found anywhere in the Bible where it says that he is but then, I haven't found anywhere that says he isn't either." I wait for her to say more but she is waiting for me so I go on. "I choose to believe that Danny is watching over us a little like a guardian angel might. When I remember this, I think of him looking down and wonder what he would think of how I am living my life. Did I listen to my heart and give that homeless person a sandwich or did I just walk by, not even acknowledging their presence? Did I help an older person carry their groceries to their car, just because it was the right thing to do? Danny was so inherently good at these "little things" in life. I would like to think that when he watches me ... us ... he is able to smile because we ARE living more outside of ourselves now. We ARE helping others with less. We ARE beginning to see what life should be like, living it for Christ. I choose to believe that those things make him happy. Whether or not it's true, I honestly can't say. But it certainly changes how I live my day to day life. And for an added benefit, I find that I like myself more these days as well."
     I guess this answer satisfied her because that was the conversation in it's entirety. It has never been brought up again except when one of us, on occasion, says "betcha that made Danny laugh" and we look at one another and smile. That is, for me, enough. Hopefully, no prayerfully, for C it is enough as well.



  

2011: Who Needs A Job??

So in March of 2011, my pastor had just asked me to think about starting a kid's choir. I looked at him and said this "I really can't commit to anything else right now. With the full time job and all, I am super busy with the stuff I'm already doing at the church. I DO feel that God wants me more involved, so please pray for me that I'll know what He wants me to do. I need all the prayers I can get!"

The very next day, no kidding. At 8:07am my boss calls me into his office and says "Well, Jean, we are moving things around a bit and we don't need you anymore." What did I do?? Well, I looked him straight in the eye and began laughing my hardest. In fact, I laughed so hard he looked at me and said "What are you laughing at? Didn't you hear what I just said?" To which I simply responded "Well, I have had God answer prayers just never this quickly OR this obviously!" I then walked out to my desk and began quietly packing up my things. I called Dave and he came to pick me up.

That very morning, as Dave was driving me back to the house, he looked at me and said "How do you feel about college? You had mentioned a while back and I'm curious if you've given it more thought?" I looked at him, head tilted, and shook my head. Oh, the quiet faith of a gentle, wonderful man. "Well, I WOULD love to go to a worship/ministry college, but how in the world would we make that work? I mean ... financially?"

He looked at me and said "You are the one who is always telling me to trust in God. Don't you think it's time you listened to yourself and did just that? Trusted God to make this happen if it is meant to?"

I had begun to cry, softly. I had known from the time I was small that God had given me a great leadership and worship gift that I had always been afraid to use. I knew that once God started moving in my life, I could do nothing to stop it. That one way or another, my will would become His. Even though that is as it should be, it terrified me. So I ran. The other way. From the time I was 20 until I was 41, as quickly as I could. I tried my best to tune Him out so I didn't have to change.

All of that changed on this day, March 21st, 2011.

Dave took me to a college that he had read about online, and I fell in love with the people and the Spirit of God that was ever present there. The decision had been made by my Heavenly Father and I was going to fulfill my calling. God provided the funds for the college through unemployment and I was so excited. Every time I turned around and some financial need came up for my family, God took care of it. Just like He said He would. He is a God of His word and I am grateful for that.

Towards the end of my first term, the last week of November, I noticed that my right eye wasn't functioning correctly and the ceiling of vision in my right eye was only about half-height. What that means is that everything above the mid-point of my vision was black. Dark. Nothing to be seen. It freaked me out and scared me half to death.

My eye doctor recommended that I see a retinal specialist when she suspected that my retina had detached. The specialist met with Dave and I and said "The ONLY repair is to do a retinal reattachment surgery, but that is very, very expensive. How do you want to move forward with this?" I look at Dave and begin to cry. I am tired. At this point of my life, it feels like satan is doing everything possible to stop me from fulfilling my destiny. I am angry because I do not want him to win. I want God to rule my life. But how?? What in the world can GOD do for me now??

I am tired ... again. Dave and I go home and he again makes phone calls on my behalf. By the time he is done, he has secured financing for the entire surgical procedure, including anesthesia and anesthesiaologist, operating room, and the eye surgeon. This entire surgery, which is a $27000 surgery, cost us ... NOTHING!! God is so good that He took care of the ENTIRE bill!!

The surgeon waited until after A was married on December 17th and the surgery was done on the 19th of December. I waded through mid-terms with less than 1/2 vision and still God blessed me with a 3.6 for my final semester grade. God is good!!

I guess the reason I am sharing all of this is as a gentle reminder that when God speaks to us, we really NEED to listen. We may not want to and, in some instances, could probably find a perfectly good excuse for walking the other way. Our God is a patient God, and He will not try and bend us to His will. He will, however, keep You close to Him. He will gently remind you and, at times, not so gently nudge you in the direction that you need to go. I implore you ... listen!!! There is a passage that speaks about God clothing the flowers in a field with beauty, even though they will never been seen by human eyes. How much more important are we to Him than the flowers in the fields!! 

He loves us and blesses us when we follow Him.Don't get me wrong ... this doesn't mean that there will not be hardships. My life and losing Danny is proof of that. What it does mean is that God will take care of us. He WANTS to take care of us ... we have simply to ask.