My Son's 26th Birthday

Today my son Danny was born. Well, not exactly today, but 26 years ago today. But he's not here to celebrate it with me, nor will he ever be again. I am sad. I realize a lot of things now that I wish I had known then, 26 years ago. 

When Danny was born, he was just under 24" long. Yep!! Almost 2' at birth and not to slow down anytime soon, either. At death, he was a bit over 6'4" and I've often wondered if he would have continued to grow like the weed he always had been. Or would he have slowed down?

I see C getting older and wonder if she would be less protective of her heart (with me, anyway) if Danny had lived. He always was a sort of "go-between" for us, because he loved us both so much and could truly see both perspectives without taking sides. 

I know that A missed him being at her wedding. Even though they were step-siblings, you would have never known it with the bond they shared from day one. I know she misses him terribly and often, but I don't know what to say to that or how to help. This makes me sad as well.

When he was little he was a daredevil. Middle-school stunts were things like not keeping himself from trying out "Jackass"-type of stunts. Yep, you know the ones. Hmmmm ... "How much pepto-bismal can I drink before it makes me sick?"  or perhaps more along the lines of "Why should I respect adults just because they ARE adults? They don't know me, or get to know me so I don't get THEIR respect automatically, why should they get MINE?"

Buck authority? Danny? YEP!

One day at middle school "Mom, why do I have to listen to a teacher that is stupid and doesn't know the answer to the question she asked?"  Me ... "Well son, it just comes with respect. You should ALWAYS respect those in authority over you." Danny: "Well, fine, but who decides who THAT is?" Me ... "Good question. Let me think on that and get back with you when I have an answer." LOL

Danny always knew what was going on in my heart. He never thought I should be perfect or anyone but who I was. I was simply me .... mom ... and he was my sunshine.

Wow. Hard to believe. Seven years. Twenty-six years old!! I wonder if he would have had a long-term girlfriend by now? Maybe he'd even be married and have kids. Wow, I could be a gramma!! *Let's just hold that thought for a moment ... I'm not in a hurry for that!*

I find myself crying again. Often. At every single little movie clip of children being shot out of the blue. At every single person who get a disease and beats it. I wonder sometimes if my crying is a bit of a sign of anger that these people with diseases CAN beat them, while Danny didn't have a chance. He was gone in the blink of an eye. Before any of us even knew it was a possibility. 

The worst part? For me? I never thought it could happen to me. I knew it could happen ... to anyone at any time, but never, EVER to me. Just. Couldn't.

But guess what? I'm here because it did. Because losing Danny has changed my heart irrevocably and made me a much better person. Losing Danny has changed my perspective on life as well as on what's truly important. I'm going to let you in on a secret here ... I would love to not be able to love so much, but then I think of all I would miss out on and decide I am fine just the way I am. I risk too much. I love too deeply. I cry too often. I sing to Jesus whether I'm happy, sad or just feel like singing. I am lonely, even with a crowded room full of people. I trust people until they give me a reason not to ... then I trust them just one more time .. in case they really want to be the people they say they are. Just in case.

Losing Danny has opened an entire new world to me. A world full of other people who hurt because they've lost a loved one. One where just about EVERY single person has lost SOMEONE they cared about ... through death, divorce, disease or just lost contact with because. Lost to us is lost. 

If this post means nothing else to you, make no mistake that it IS a plea for you to reacquaint yourself with the people you've lost touch with. Maybe make an apology even when it wasn't your fault. Please, please, please do NOT let another day go by when you are not talking to someone you really want in your life. Just as importantly, surround yourself with people who love Jesus and accept you (but will call you on things you do wrong), so that you have no regrets.

Regrets are odd things. You don't want any. Or as few as possible, anyway. Do NOT regret loving someone who doesn't love you back because that love changes who YOU are. Do NOT think so much about the cost of things that you hold back from doing them. Take exotic trips to super cool places that intrigue you. God put a whole big world out there for us all to take advantage of ... in the best way possible. Live life large. Don't worry about whether or not you fit into the mold "they" have for you ... only God's mold really counts. 

Don't want to work a 9-5 job?? Then DON'T!! Change the normal of your life to fit the life you want for yourself, while trying your very best to do what God has called you to do. Be the best YOU and God will use you in more ways than you will ever imagine. 

If you are old enough to be married and have children, love them with all you are and all you have. Hold nothing back because you are a touchstone in their lives. Even when they say things that are hurtful and perhaps even a bit hateful, love them. Accept them socially where they are. Love them unconditionally for who they are. Then step back and place them in God's ever-caring, ever-loving, gentle embrace. He will guide them and take care of them for you. Always remember ... God wants the best for your children even as He wants the best for you.

Don't wait for tomorrow to look back and wish for today. "We have this moment to hold in our hands and touch as it slips through our fingers like sand. Yesterday's gone and tomorrow may never come, but we have this moment today."  Bill Gaither Trio

Most importantly of all, don't ever stop loving your family. Your mum and dad will always be your mum and dad. If you need to forgive them for some past mistake, do. Your family is always your family. God chose them for you for a specific purpose, and it's up to you to figure that out. Love them. Show them God's love, even when it's difficult and seems nigh impossible. I promise one thing ... it is not.

Let Jesus be the light in your life, no matter what. When you are able to be the light shining into the darkness because of God's light, God is using you to show people who He is. Let Him. It's perhaps one of the hardest things you'll ever do ... allow yourself to be used by God and He will bless and keep you always.