So it's May 2012 and my little girl is graduating high school. She is excited, as am I, but my excitement is tinged with a healthy bit of fear and caution as I know her. Now that she is 18 and a legal adult, she is even more fearless than before. And that was fearless enough for me to try and live with!
C is my sweetheart and I know that, no matter what choices she makes about where to go to college or where to live, my life will be substantially emptier without her in it.
I find it difficult to not be super overprotective of C, since Danny is gone. This has started many a fight and a lot of harsh words have been exchanged as she believes I am being overbearing and I accuse her of being selfish, rude and thoughtless. We both believe we are right and, in a way, we both are. I AM being overprotective but, I believe, with good cause. She IS being selfish, but no more so than any other 18-year old who wants to prove that she DOES know some things and is not just an ignorant "child" with not thoughts or decision-making abilities of her own. She is of sound mind and a great judge of character, so why am I so afraid of her being on her own?
I am afraid that once she's tasted the freedom of life outside of the safety of these walls, she will never come back. I am afraid that she will try things that she shouldn't, just to prove to herself (and to us parents) that she really IS invincibel. She is not.She is, however, fearless. That is, I think, what is the hardest for me. This newly noticed sense of "It could never happen to me".
I wonder, does she think that Danny really believed that he would die the night he set out to go home from his friend's house? I am pretty sure that thought never crossed his mind either. In fact, I'm just as sure that clear back when he was learning to drive, it was common for him to say things like "Hey mom, I know, ok? I WON'T have too many friends in the car with me. I won't get distracted. I will be ok. Quit worrying."
I did. I quit worrying and now he is dead. Somehow, at some level, that still feels like my fault. Now don't get me wrong, I know I didn't kill Danny. In fact, I even know that it wasn't my fault he was driving at a time he shouldn't have been. After all, there was ice on the road and he knew that. He simply made a bad decision ... something we all do on a daily basis ... with far more dire consequences than most of use will ever face. It cost him his life.
So, life moves on. C graduates from high school and is off to a much warmer, less rainy climate to enjoy the first year of her college experience. San Diego is a huge city but I am sure she will fit right in there. She is a beautiful young woman, full of self confidence and carefully optimistic about her future. She talks about marketing and international business for her degree but, like most young people at this age, is truly undecided about where that will take her.
I keep encouraging her to travel. To perhaps take a job as a nanny in another country. She is a nomad like me, and I keep thinking that if she gets it out while she's younger, she will not regret later that she didn't travel. Once married and with kids, some of those things are much harder to do. Much more rewarding, from my point of view, but much harder nonetheless.
Sometimes, C says or does something that reminds me so much of Danny that it is painful. I am better at hiding this now. I do not EVER want her to think that she is the source of the pain those moments cause me. She is not. She is my heart.
I see a lot of Danny in her. She has a smile that is a little bit of a smirk, especially when she's just gotten something over on someone and they don't know it yet. And her laugh ... oh my goodness ... when she's truly laughing, it makes my heart soar to the highest heavens to hear her laughter fill the air. When she is around little people that she loves, this is when I notice it the most. Her smile is much easier coming then. Her posture more open and less self-protective. She loves with all that she is and sometimes with such abandon that I am sure some young man will find her and sweep her away. But not too soon. I pray this will not happen before she is truly ready for it. And yes, this means her dad and I are ready for it too.
I do not see her alone for very long in her young life. She is too loving and has too big of a heart for that. She is my heart and one of the most favorite people in my life. I pray that this new found friendship remains in place, as we both age and find ways to gracefully allow one another to grow into who we are meant to be.
I know now that I am meant to be her mom. I do not believe that there is a single other person on the face of this earth who could have done a better job than I have at raising her. I know that God placed her in my life for the lessons I would learn, but just as importantly because I would need the love she has to share. She is my daughter and I wouldn't change a thing about who she is, how she lives or how she loves. I would only ask her to be a bit more careful with her heart. God only gives us each one, and once it is broken for any reason, the pieces never fit together exactly right ever again.
Cherish your heart C. Love yourself enough to draw that line between who is worth your time and who is not. Do not base this on looks, or money but instead base this on what your heart tells you about a person. You have a gift with this. You have a super sense of good character ... do not be afraid to use it.
Know this, my darling daughter ... I love you. No matter who comes and goes in your life, I will always be here for you. You will always have a place to come home to. I am not perfect, but I am the only mom you got. You are not perfect but, to me, you are as close as I will ever see to perfection here on earth.
Just before she left for college, C said to me "Do you think Danny is watching us from heaven? I mean, really?" with a quizzical look on her face. I thought about this a few moments without answering. "You know, honey, I can't honestly answer that. I mean, I haven't found anywhere in the Bible where it says that he is but then, I haven't found anywhere that says he isn't either." I wait for her to say more but she is waiting for me so I go on. "I choose to believe that Danny is watching over us a little like a guardian angel might. When I remember this, I think of him looking down and wonder what he would think of how I am living my life. Did I listen to my heart and give that homeless person a sandwich or did I just walk by, not even acknowledging their presence? Did I help an older person carry their groceries to their car, just because it was the right thing to do? Danny was so inherently good at these "little things" in life. I would like to think that when he watches me ... us ... he is able to smile because we ARE living more outside of ourselves now. We ARE helping others with less. We ARE beginning to see what life should be like, living it for Christ. I choose to believe that those things make him happy. Whether or not it's true, I honestly can't say. But it certainly changes how I live my day to day life. And for an added benefit, I find that I like myself more these days as well."
I guess this answer satisfied her because that was the conversation in it's entirety. It has never been brought up again except when one of us, on occasion, says "betcha that made Danny laugh" and we look at one another and smile. That is, for me, enough. Hopefully, no prayerfully, for C it is enough as well.
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