So, the last couple of days have been tough ones for me. The night before last I awoke with terrible night terrors, reliving the car accident that took Danny. No, I don't know exactly what happened, but that doesn't seem to stop my subconscious minds (aka satan) from putting details in my head that I can't possibly know. The terrors are always so vivid that I wake up drenched in sweat and tears, sobbing uncontrollably. Thankfully this time Dave wasn't waken up by it ... for that I am thankful. One of us going through this at a time is more than enough.
Then last night they struck again. Well, not really last night, but more like 3:30 this morning. And so I got up and worked on homework and tried to not think about Danny ... at all. That did not work. So here I am, putting down on paper what I can barely admit to feeling in my heart.
I know to expect stuff to hit me this time of year, just usually not quite this early. Danny would have been turning 24 (he was born in '88, so I believe my math is correct) on the 15th of this month and so it begins. I try so hard to not let these things happen. I keep praying throughout the day that God will help me through this. I know I'll never get "over" it, but getting through it ... once and for all ... would be nice. I am not sure I believe that will ever happen, however.
I feel so overwhelmed right now. I know that God loves me. I get that. And I know that my husband and my girls love me. I get that. And I know there are other people who love or, at the very least, care about me. I get that. It doesn't matter. Danny isn't here and no matter who is, he will never be again. I will never see his smile that lit my world. I will forever miss the colorful character that he was. There is no other person on this earth like him. I know. Does this help ... all of this remembering? Probably not but memories are what I have left of my son. So I will remember and I will be thankful for his life.
I will try to not cry when I say his name. I will not walk into work with a tear-stained face. I WILL get out of bed every day and do my best to make him proud. To not give up. To not let satan win this battle. Some days, quite honestly, I am afraid that I will loose.
No, I am not suicidal. No, I do not want to die. Yes, I will continue to laugh at stuff that makes me laugh and smile when I feel like smiling. But a part of me died with Danny, in 2005. Make no mistake .... I am not whole now, nor will I ever be again. I am aware of that. More intensely aware now than ever before.
I am tired of being strong. I just want to curl up in bed, nice and warm, and cry for a day ... or two ... or ten ... until there are no tears left. I did that, actually. I was pretty sure that there were no tears left in me on more than one occasion, but am always proven wrong. There are. Plenty. Always more where the last ones came from. My heart.
I never knew a heart could cry, but it does. I firmly believe that while my head knows Danny is gone and is coping quite nicely thank you very much, my heart will not, no CAN NOT admit to that same truth. He may be physically gone, but he will always live in my heart. My heart knows this and resists the emptiness that it feels at the mention of his name. It aches with a longing that will not be fulfilled until that day we see each other again. The ache is like nothing I've ever felt before or will ever feel again. It is an empty kind of ache ... as though my heart is missing a piece of itself which, in truth, it is. A very large piece.
I am tired of feeling desolate. Even with the hope my best friend Jesus gives me, I grow weary. I will be ok. I will never be the same, but life will go on. I will watch my daughters grow old and perhaps have children. I will watch C walk down the aisle some day, wishing her brother could be here to see her. I am sure everything will be fine. I will put my best foot forward day to day.
I will wait patiently for strangers to come along and read this and, perhaps, comment on it. I will do my best to help them understand whatever grief it is they are dealing with. I will move forward on this path God has placed my feet upon.
I will never understand why Danny died that night. Not ever. But I will accept it, in time. I just am not sure that I am ready quite yet. Forgive me but I don't know how to grieve the loss of a part of me. I. Just. Don't.
Jesus, help me today. I can only do this one day at a time and, with Your help, I am sure I CAN make it. Thank You for being my best friend. I love You.
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