Death Is The Worst Thing In Life

Today I want to take a moment to acknowledge the previous posts that have been made thus far.

I shared a lot of ultra personal stuff, mostly so that grieving parents would know that it's ok to feel those things.  Your feelings are "your feelings" and no one can tell you what is right to feel or that it's wrong to feel a certain way.  I know there will be people who will try to console you with statements like "When will you be normal again?" and "It's been 5 years (or however long it's been) and you really should be over this by now!"  I want to tell  you this ~ You will NEVER be the same as you were before this moment in time.  Death is the worst thing you will ever deal with in your life!  It doesn't get any worse than death.

I am not trying to say that people shouldn't console one another, but sometimes "less is best" and a simple "I am sorry for your loss" or even "I am so sorry for your loss, please let me know if I can help you in any way at all."  Please do not say things like "I understand your loss" UNLESS you have lost a child.  Loosing an adult parent is not the same as loosing a child.  Loosing an infant is not the same as losing a teenage or young adult child.  Please do not say "your child is in a better place" because, as parents, we believe there IS no better place than with their family, the ones who love that child unconditionally.  No loss is the same as another and we have to learn to respect each person's loss as an individual loss, which every single person deals with in his or her own way.

No two people will react exactly the same to the same loss.  For instance, my husband and I grieved and continue to grieve the loss of Danny quite differently.  While I chose to deal with feelings and emotions pretty much head on from the beginning, Dave could not do the same.  For him, it was important to distance himself from what happened first, and then and only then could he begin to process the loss of Danny.  


It is "normal" for people of faith to question God and even to be angry with Him.  Please remember that it is what we DO with that anger that counts.  We can remain angry with God and become stagnant, forgetting His glory, grace and mercy or we can embrace God anew, realizing that He knew all along the days that our child would be with us.  Is this difficult??  Of course it is!!  I would by lying if I told you I didn't wake up some days still and ask God "why Danny?" and expect an answer.  I would also be lying if I said that I didn't firmly believe that God has Danny firmly in the palm of His hand and is embracing Him in my dreams. 


I have days where I look up and simply say to myself "God, I still don't understand, but I know You do, so I am ok with this."  There are also days that my legs feels as heavy as lead, my heart hurts as though it has been physically torn from my chest and stomped on and the tears flow freely.  These are the days that I fight to get out of bed.  I say my "breath-prayers" just to be able to live ... some days. 

I will also take this time, in the beginning of this "journey to a new normal" to acknowledge that both of my daughters (who may be referred to in the story as "A" and "C") as well as my husband Dave played instrumental parts in reminding me that I am still a mom.  I didn't get to just "quit" when Danny died, although I felt as though I wanted to.  I wasn't allowed to wallow in the self-pity for any length of time without God reminding me to look at what I still have here on this earth.  It is more than some have been left with.  For some, their only child has been taken and these are the people who touch my heart deeply enough to make me share my journey.