This may be kind of hard to understand, but today I will move ahead in time to Hurricane Katrina hitting landfall in New Orleans, Louisiana on or about September 1, 2005.
My husband is a "law enforcement specialist", with military and civilian tactical training under his belt. With this training, a company called on Dave to go over and help secure some facilities in New Orleans two days after the hurricane hit. He had to go. We had sunk all of our money into the bed and breakfast and, as a new business, were barely holding on to the business and this money would be the influx needed to make the business a go. So he went.
C and I stayed in La Paz and lived life as normally as possible. C was going to elementary school for the mornings Monday through Friday, but then home-schooled with me in the afternoons. The agreement for the homeschooling was originally that Dave would be in charge of science and social studies courses, while I would do the math and english courses, both doing what we were best at. When Dave went to New Orleans, that all changed and it was just C and I so we made due.
I was hugely depressed and C was afraid to really talk to me about Danny's death. She didn't tell me that at the time, but only much later. She said "I didn't want to talk to you about Danny because even when someone said his name, you would cry ... and I didn't want to make you cry any more." I felt her pulling away from me, but didn't have the strength to pull her back to me. I questioned everything those 8 months, but mostly condemned myself for "just being a bad mom all the way around". My friends still came and we still spent time together but, let's face it ... NO ONE wants to be around someone who's down and depressed all of the time. It doesn't matter that you can't help how you feel, nor does it matter that you have every right to feel what you do. Some people understand but still keep their distance. It's almost as though people, in general, are afraid that if you open up to them about how you feel and everything, if you even mention the word "death", something would happen to someone that they love. And who, really, is willing to take that chance?
I have heard, my entire life, that "through God all things are possible" and I truly wanted to believe it. But although that's a mostly true statement, it's not 100% true. Let me explain, if I may.
I do not believe it is possible for God to change someone's heart, if they are not ready for the change. If a person doesn't want to see something God is trying to show them, they won't. Down to the last person, it remains in our control and within our free will to determine whether we believe God will move forward in our lives with every change that happens. Some people get angry and say "There can't be a God or this would have never happened." I get that. I disagree but, you see, I understand because I've been there. Others just say "But they were such good parents!" ?? Never have figured out how or why that would affect the outcome of a young person's life.
Really, it all comes down to one single, simple statement. We often look up to God as Christ-followers and say "why me?" .... what we should really be thinking is "why NOT me?" I realize that in this day and age, suffering is viewed quite differently than it was in biblical times. I also realize that because God sent His only Son to cover for my sins, I have no right, not a single iota, to ask God to give me any less than He has had to bear for me.
I love God but perhaps, in the corners of my heart, I loved Danny more. Maybe I loved him too much. Maybe this was God's way of getting my attention. At the very core of my being, sometimes I allow myself to believe satan's lies and believe the last statement to be true. I mean, who better to "blame" than myself for Danny being gone?? After all, I can't blame God, right?? So, it had to be because of me. Only putting that down in writing did I just now see how conceited it would be to believe and how much smaller my faith in God and His plan than I ever recognized until this very second.
Everyone says they want the truth but I am confident that most are not ready for it. You see, raw truth, uncensored, is not a pretty thing. There are so many things that a parent feels at a child's death that most people wouldn't want to put on paper or see in writing. Here are but a few:
Self loathing
Guilt
Faithlessness
Empty heart
Constantly tear-strained face
Anger
All-enveloping sadness
Unworthiness
Depression - mind and heart numbing if you're lucky
Lost and alone
These are just a few of the descriptive words that immediately come to mind when I think back on that time.
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