I Can Only Imagine

Time goes by, slowly at first and then much more quickly.  Before long, I realize that it's getting closer to Mother's Day and I am certain that I will not make it through that day.  With every ounce of my being, I dread having to pretend that I am ok.  I also know that my friends and family worry about me.  I am convinced that they are convinced that I will do myself harm, if they leave me by myself.  I am pretty much never alone and so, when I walk the dogs along the malecon (along the water of the beautiful Bay of La Paz) I think.  I think a lot more than I should.  I feel as though my heart is falling through my chest all over again and I say to myself "Stop it ... stop it now!  He is not coming back.  Danny is gone for good and it's time that you accepted that fact and quit moping about as though that will change anything. He is gone and is not coming back home ...EVER!"

I wonder if the voice inside of my head will ever quit talking to me.  More importantly, I wonder what I will do, who I will become, if and/or when it does.  Will I know what people expect of me and will I ever be able to live up to those expectations?  I rather doubt it but don't guess I'll know until much further down the line, if then.

During this time, the most darkest storm I had ever encountered in my life, God blessed me with a wonderful church family and a wonderful and dear woman friend, who I will simply call "J2".  Now this was not the only new friendship I developed, but it is an important one for what happened during this time of my life.  This was the first woman friend I had ever had because, frankly, I didn't trust women.  I found women to be manipulative, vindictive, mean and spiteful.  I thought that the negatives far outweighed the positives.  This new friend, J2, taught me different.  She worshiped God with abandon and total devotion.  She and her husband raised their children to believe in a God who is not above miracles, but is, in fact, the God OF miracles.  She also taught ME what it meant to have a friend you could share about everything with.  I would speak of my woes and my disbelief in God, and she would patiently and gently show me how evident God's love was in every walk of life.  From the beauty of the rising sun on the beach, to the glorious music played in the church on any given Sunday, on to the feeling that God is the giver and taker ... yes I said taker ... of all things that are alive at any point in their existence.  It is for HIS glory that any being is allowed to exist for any period of time whatsoever.  Thank you, J2, for being my friend.  For encouraging me to simply *hang on * when I was pretty sure that I was falling into an abyss of darkness, discontentment and hate.  For just accepting me for who I was, where I was and how I handled that.  At times, poorly but at other time I knew that I would be ok and come out the other side because God loved me.  And because I had a God-fearing, love-inspiring and Godly friend in J2.  I thank God for her to this day.


 I don't recall how many times I woke up at horrid hours in the night and would call out Danny's name.  I don't recall how many times I said to J2 "I just want God to send him home ...I just want my Danny back", like it was a situation I didn't understand and couldn't comprehend why God was keeping him.  Did I believe he was dead?  I'm sure my head did, but my heart? I'm not so sure. Did I believe I would never see him again on this earth? I'm sure my head did, but my heart? I don't think so.  I do remember that it wasn't long after the funeral that the night terrors started and it was a long time, years in fact, before they finally subsided altogether. 

A couple of weeks after returning to La Paz, sometime mid-March I think (unsure of the timeframe because it HAS been a few years), the pastor of our little church did something miraculous and heart breaking yet uplifting for me personally.  I mean, the gesture was for my entire family, but it hit me where my heart lived.  If anyone knows the song "I Can Only Imagine" by Bart Millard, it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life.  We had given an oil painting of Danny to the pastor and he had put it up on the projection screen and then played this song underneath it. 

Some of the words are here for you to see, and it's easily found on YouTube if you  are really interested.

I can only imagine, what it will be like
When I walk by Your side
I can only imagine, what my eyes will see
When Your face is before me
I can only imagine

 Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus, or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine, when that day comes
And I find myself standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do, is forever forever worship You
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

Here's the kicker for me ... I can only imagine, what it will be like, when I walk by Your side
I can only imagine, what my eyes will see, when Your face is before me, I can only imagine.

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for You Jesus, or in awe of You be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine, I can only imagine

 And at that moment, that very split second in time, I am reminded that Danny did it again ... he beat me and got to see Jesus first! I can see him walking hand in hand with my Jesus. I can see him dancing around Jesus and singing hallelujah at the top of his lungs. 

I am thankful to have this visual to remember, a pleasant memory that, for a few moments, left me utterly breathless and my heart beating 180 beats a minute, my eyes filled with awe and tears at the same time, and new friends surrounding my family.  I thank God for the family that He gave my family in Mexico, when He knew we would need them to show us what He was all about.  And once again, I am reminded that we are not meant to be alone.  God created us because He wanted and still wants a relationship with us.  I love Jesus and I am thankful for the movement he is instigating in my life.